Scotty's Stand Up Material! RIP

So, my stand up career has come to an end.  What to do with all this material?  Throw it on my blog so it can live forever.  This stuff was fun to write.  I wrote most of it on the subway or on the toilet.  Either way, some's good, some's not.  It goes in ascending order for the most part.  The first jokes I wrote are at the top.  As you go on they get longer and there are more bits and rants .L'shana tova.....

Mona Lisa

There's nothing like a nice blow job. I equate it to a fine piece of art. It sticks out in your mind and completes the room. It's memorable and unforgettable like the Mona Lisa. It always makes you smile.

I don't believe in premarital sex

I don't believe in premarital sex and most of my friends tell me they don't have post Maridal sex so I think I'm gonna just keep fucking myself all the time. It's a lot more convenient and less dramatic. I'll buy myself roses and chocolate, throw on Barry White, buy satin sheets and hump a pillow. I'll make love to myself and wake up feeling satisfied with no strings attached.

You Think Dogs Support Gay Marriage?

You think dogs support gay marriage?  Would a male shitzu and a male beagle make it to the alter?  Would a female Bichon Frise go down on a female standard poodle?  Give her the ‘ol lips service!  ‘Ya think the Poodle and The Bichon Frise would adopt a badass black pit bull named Caesar?  Would they ever tell Caesar he was adopted?  At what age do you think they would tell Caesar?  How would they tell Caesar?  In dog years or in human years?  You think Caesar would search for his real parents?  Would Caesar call his mom a bunch of bitches?!  Would his lesbian parents send Caesar to the dog house to lick his own balls and gnaw on his bone?   I bet you they would.  Those bitches!   Poor, Caesar.   His moms are gay.  But I bet you they gave him more love then a regular family anyway.  That's if Caesar doesn’t shit in the house!

Looking at Facebook

Looking at Facebook nowadays is goddamn depressing. I'm 33 and I scroll down the screen and There's just pictures of the kids of the girls I used to fuck and their kids. These might be pictures of my own kids I'm looking at! Who knows right? I didn't always use a condom! My sperm was a hot commodity in 2009. Today, I'm fat, unemployed and doing standup. Now Sperm banks don't want my sperm. I pay them for sperm deposits!

Any girl who plays professional sports

Any girl who plays professional sports besides tennis is nasty. I don't want a bang a girl in cleats. Girls in high tops don't turn me on. I don't want to go down on the center of the  New York liberty.

My dad tells me daily to get some pussy.

My dad tells me daily to get some pussy. He's 65. When I get laid it makes him proud. Get into Harvard. Nah. Get a promotion. Nah. Bang a random girl from jdate. That's my boy!

At home dating

I have trouble meeting woman, because I don't leave my house. I wish woman made house calls.  At home dating.  Online, at home, woman shows up at your door dating. Convenient. Never have to leave home. You can date in your underwear. Microwave dinner for the both of you. Set the mood with your desk lamp.

Taylor Swift

I really want to see Taylor Swift naked. I want to bang her and Wake up to her writing a song about me. she'll call it premature ejaculation. The song will be over in 30 seconds.

Madonna

Would you still bang Madonna? Just harpoon her crusty pussy. She's like a grandma now. Would you bang a grandma? Like 3rd generation pussy. Go down on granny. Do granny. Doggy.

They say chivalry is dead

They say chivalry is dead. I tend to disagree. I'm chivalrous. I'm very chivalrous until I sleep with the girl. Then chivalry dies and get the fuck out of my apartment as soon as possible comes into play. So I'm chivalrous pre sex. Post coidus, chival the the fuck out of my life. Let me pretend to be chivalrous with someone else.

Cyber stalker

Every single girl is a cyber stalker. If you speak to a girl later on that night she is doing a complete background check. Google, Facebook, private investigators, detectives, hospital records, criminal background checks. She will knew who you've been with, who you're friends are. This is what they do. Guys scratch their balls and watch basketball, woman google men. And they enjoy it. Fuckin' snoops. Want a watch an episode of CSI hang out with a woman. You'll be profiled. She'll know the name of the hooker you banged in Vegas and your drug dealer. Woman are the CIA. Fuck Julian Assamge. Fuck Eric Snowden. The girl you sit next to at work knows your life story. She's your personal whistleblower.

Isn’t It Amazing how if you make $50,000 in New York City

Isn't it amazing how if you make $50,000 In New York City you live like a refugee.  I live with 8 Mexicans in a 2 bedroom.  I got the top bunk.  I sleep on top of Jorge.  Literally, on top of him!  Jorge cooks some huevos con queso and then he farts on me while he falls asleep!  Literally, on my stomach!!  I wake up smelling like a Dirty Sanchez!  The shower's never used because my Mexican roommates just take Mexican showers.  Jorge hasn't showered in 3 months and he sleeps in his under wear.  His tighty whities are now black!! Jorge calls me Drew.  Not Scott.  Drew.  Because, I'm a Jew.  When he gets mad at me he calls me Santiago, like I'm some white explorer. The only thing I'm exploring is Jorge's scalp when I sleep on top of him at night. And he has dandruff!!  No Head & Shoulders!  No Cabeza & Shoulders.  Only flakes as white as snow.

The Most Powerful Man In The World

•I’m thinking it must be must pretty awesome to be the most powerful man in the free world. I mean it must be awesome to be The Godfather of The West. The Don Corleone of The United States of America. You can't refuse an offer, if you refuse an offer we'll strike you with a drone and then all the republicans will pop a boner. We all know Republicans love weapons, love God and love their sisters and I fucking love Republicans!  I love them!

•Back to the most powerful man in the world. I often wonder what it's like to be Barack Obama, to be the president of United States, the most powerful man in the world. No matter what he says, no matter his opinion it's always considered valid.  “Hey, Rosie O'Donnell is hotter then Kate Upton”, he won't get laughed at. Nobody in his cabinet is gonna say "shit Barack, your motherfucking crazy"!  President Obama can simply say "I like large lesbians therefore she's hotter" and he's the president and the most powerful man in the world so his opinions valid and not questioned.  Which is justified.

•But I wonder what it's like to go to sleep and wake up the most powerful man in the world. Does the most powerful man in the world take the most powerful shower? Does the most powerful man get the most powerful shower pressure. Does the most powerful man have the most powerful razor? Does the most powerful man have an electric razor that shaves as close as a regular blade?  Does he?  Because I got to get me one of those.

•I picture President OBama just wakes up feeling so powerful! He must have the most powerful breakfast! Organically grown free range eggs squeezed out by the chickens in the coop next to Pennsylvania Ave.  Pork from the hog raised during The Bush administration that Cheney used to hump. And, then last but not least, the presidents most powerful cup of coffee. This cup of coffee gives Juan Valdez the jitters! Fuck redbull!  It's explosive! So fucking explosive!

•So the president has a cup of this explosive powerful coffee and then meets with his cabinet. He hears from all the members, Biden says something completely inappropriate and then the president goes into the Oval Office.  Forrest Whitaker from The Butler comes out and pours him another cup of this cocaine coffee.  So, The president sits back in his chair, takes a sip and Ba-Boom! The rib roast the chef cooked the night before drops like a pre-pubescents nuts.

•The president gets a bit nervous thinking he might not be able to get to the most powerful toilet in time. But he remembers he's the most powerful man in the world and he controls time. So the president grabs the New York Times, drops his pants as fast as he can and the shit drops out of his asshole before he can even get his cheeks on the bowl. A powerful dump for a very powerful man!

•So, The president works his way through the paper. The US News, World News, Opinion, Sports, Arts & Leisure.... Before you know it, 25 minutes have passed by. Problem, The Presidents legs have fallen asleep on the bowl. He's now the most powerful cripple in the world! What to do? He's powerless! Does he call in the secret service to kick him in the legs and wake them up? "Excuse me sir, your legs are asleep again, do you want me to kick you in your shins"? So the presidents legs wake up and then he gets up to flush.

•But, there’s One more problem, he stuffed the presidential bowl! The most powerful man clogged the most powerful toilet! Here's the question "Does the president flush his presidential dump or does the secret service flush the presidential dump for him"? Does the most powerful man in the world unclog his own shit"? Just remember one thing, when you’re the president and most powerful man, shit still happens...sometimes diarrhea.  But one thing’s for sure, the most powerful man never runs out of toilet paper…

Religion

There's certain things you just can't find. I've never met a male black dentist. Where are the black dentists?  I don't think they exist.  

I've never met a Jewish plumber. Have you ever met a Jewish plumber?  I’ve never met a Jewish plumber.  Jews don't deal well with shit.  

I'm yet to meet an Italian bagpipe player.  I don’t think Italians play the bagpipe.  It's hard for me to picture a Macho Italian man, with slicked back hair, a thick gold chain in a kilt playing 'O Come On Ye Faithful.  It’s just not gonna happen. 

Also, I've never seen an Irishman drinking an O'doul's, the non alcoholic beer.  Never, ever, ever seen and iriahman drinking O’Doul’s.  O'doul's is an Irish name but all Irishman drink real beer with fucking alcohol in it! C’mon!  Let's get real here!  

I'll tell you something you’ll never see, a nun buying a dildo. Nuns are not even buying batteries.  Nuns ain’t buying dildos.  You'll never see that. If she bought a dildo the nun would use it as a stick and slap it on the asses of the catholic school children who spelt Jesus with with a soft "G".  

Also, have you thought about this, is there a company who manufactures the wafers priests give out to the congregants during mass?  Who makes the body of Christ? Who the hell makes the wafers? Nabisco? The Keebler elves? ‘Ya know what, I'll bet you anything the Jews are behind it. The Jews over at manishevitz who make the matzah also make the wafers, only the wafers are leavened not unleavened. You know the fucking Jews, they monopolize everything.  

Speaking of Jews, they say rabbi's are scholars of the Torah.  Yet, I've never seen a rabbi study.  They're always walking around, socializing, having meetings with troubled married couples, tutoring Bar Mitzvah boys.  Tell me, when are these rabbi's studying?  

And Where do Mormons buy their protective underwear? In The book store at BYU? You ever see the protective underwear.  They're like onesies.  Do they just come in white? Or can you get them on other colors.  Can you get them in green or in purple?  

Back to the Jews, where do they get the shofar? The shofar is the ram's horn that the Jews blow like a tuba on Rosh Hoshanna.  Do they get the ram's horn on the black market? Is there a ram's horn dealer on the upper west side? If not, where do they find the rams to slaughter, the Bronx zoo? Also, does the rabbi practice blowing the shofar? Did the rabbi have a shofar teacher when he was little kid.  In Hebrew school did he get pulled out of class like I did in School when I played the saxophone.  Is there a Nyssma for ram's horn? Did the rabbi score a 100?

How about this.  Does a priest practice drawing the cross on people's heads for Ash Wednesday?  I mean, that dude's quite the finger painter.  I couldn't do that.  Why is it that I can't draw a stick figure but I can draw a girl with perfect breasts.  It Makes no sense right.

What about scientologists? You know how their religion was created by a science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard.  The basis of their religion is based off a book called Dianetics.  What happens if a scientologist can't read? How do they read Dianetics? What about the illiterate scientologists? Where do they go?  

What about atheists, they don't believe in God. Do they even bother saying "Oh God".  Like when Nancy says to her atheist friend Bill "Did you hear about Stacy".  "She has lymphoma".  Does Bill, the atheist, have the nerve to say "Oh God, that's terrible".  If he does, he's a fucking hypocrite!  He should not be allowed to say that.  

What about agnostics, they believe in the possibility that there's something bigger than us. I believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy and Chaney was behind it.  I believe OJ's innocent.  I believe Sarah Palin can see Russia from her backyard.  I believe in a whole lot of shit. Hey agnostics, grab your balls an form an opinion.  Take a stance, goddamnit!

I'm not sure what Jehovah's witnesses believe in but they believe in ringing my doorbell.  Maybe they believe that God is the front door.  Whoever opens the front door ascends to heaven.  With every ring the Jehovah's Witness gets a higher spot in heaven.  Be nice to The Jehovah's though.

Now Indians believe in something but I'm not sure why they can't cut their hair and they wear a towel on their head from bed, bath and beyond.  It must get itchy up there.  And I don't think they can itch it.  Because then they have to rewrap that towel and it's a major pain in the ass to wrap that thing up again.  

Then Muslims, they pray 6 times a day on the floor on a filthy rug.  Do they vacuum that rug?  Beat it out? Where do they buy the rug? A toupee' store?  There's some nice oriental rugs in china town, they must get them there.  

What about the Native Americans.  Do they still sleep in tee pees and wigwams or do they just get a room at Mohegan Sun?  Also, where does one get peyote?  I've been looking to eat peyote since 1997. I always ask around Foxwoods.  I can't find any.   But, I always end up in a hotel room with a Mohawk Chief named Chopping up Coke.  The chief's looking to score some peyote too.  If the chief ain't holding, no one is. So me and the chief eat some mushrooms and smoked the peace pipe instead…btw, my native American name is sleeping with fatgirls.

Can you imagine fucking Lady Gaga. What the must that be like! Holy shit! What the hell does she have hiding under there? I'm scared to look. Does she have dick?! She probably has a huge cock with ginormous nuts! Can you imagine jerking Lady Gaga off.  Get her making those monster hands as I stroke her erect penis. I'm giving her a ride on her disco stick. Seriously though, I think Gaga's got a pussy and I wanna shave it. I want to trim her snatch then make a dress out of her pubes. Can you imagine picking up Gaga at an awards ceremony. Remember when she was dressed as Kermit the frog. If I'm banging her dressed as Kermit I'm dressing up like Ms. Piggy (Kirmie Kirmie). How about when she wore the dress made of meat. I'd take her home and throw her on The BBQ. screw the sex, I'm hungry. I will hump her sirloin. Shower her in bbg sauce and just go to town all around. I'd give the leftovers to my dog. Let lil Bruno have a taste of some Gaga meat.  Honestly though, I would hump Gaga. Behind all the wardrobe is a fine piece of ass. Id stick my dick in between her butt cheeks. Make her hit the high note. Then I'll make her give me head. Let her take a ride on my disco stick. I'll gag her out and give her tonsillitis. She'll never sing again. I will be the monster who put an end to Gaga's career. Oh, gays and lesbians are gonna hate me.  Gaga busted her vocal chords on Scott's cock. Sorry Gaga. I'm all man. I'm a dirtbag with a sick mind. You can't handle this! You can write a song about me called Minty Python and The Holy Nail because I'm gonna nail you.  You can dress up like an escort for the next awards show. Mascara running, fake pearl necklace, scratch marks on your back, fake designer pocketbook. I'll escort you there. I'll be your Jon you whore. All jokes aside, Lady Gaga is an incredible talent an inspiration to millions around the world. Millions of morons. (Just dance, gonna be ok, doot doot)

Why does every Italian man over the age of 55 walk around with a thick rope gold chain with his fist clenched. An old Italian man really thinks shit can go down any second. He's prepared for an old school rumble.  He's ready to throw a garbage can over his head like Sonny Corleone. They also all have horse voices. They sound like they've had their head in the pizza oven too long. They burnt their vocal chords.

New Study Abroad Program
Whites Everyone should be poor, live in da hood
Blacks should be rich and live in a mansion
Jews should live in Iran
Iranians should live in Israel
The Greeks should live with the terks
The Irish should live in italy

Homeless people love me. They do. I guess I have one of those faces that say I'm actually to what you have.  I empathize. I feel their pain but I don't go ice them because I may have a place to live but I might as well be homeless. I don't really have heat. The water is dirty. I don't invite anyone to my place. My cables shut off because I haven't paid a bill. I have one book on my kindle and I've read 6 times and now I lost my charger and I'm too broke to buy a new one.  There's a lot of homeless people living better then me.  The only difference I don't have the balls to get on the subway and asks.  I have stage fright.  You got to play to a big crowd on the subway. I'm too nervous.  So I'm not homeless but my home's a mess.  So this is my last resort. My cry for help. Please laugh so I can buy a kindle charger.

Anyway, so I was wasted, tripping my balls off.  Hallucinating, seeing trails, and I decided to take a seat on a bench that faces route 1.  I just watched traffic pile up.  Cars kept piling up and I was fucking riveted.  I'm thinking were all gerbals on the wheel. All slaves to the man. I didn't move for 3 hours, I just sat their on a tab of acid. I was comotose.

•Then I heard a bird chirp and the sound shook me to the core.   To the fucking core.  It rocked my world on one tab of acid.  And then I thought to myself, I'm on one tab of acid and a bird chirp just bugged me out.  How the tuck did Jimi Hendrix play the Star-Spangled Banner in front of 300,000 people at Woodstock on 3 tabs of acid! On 3 tabs of acid!  I can't get off a goddamn bench and a bird chirp blows my fucking mind. Jimi is playing the Star-Spangled Banner , he's fucking playing it, not listening to it on 3 tabs of acid in front of 300,000 people, fucking slaying it. Fucking Jimi!

 •And it was so beautiful. So beautiful, man.  Beautiful music came from acid. The grateful dead, the Beatles. PinK Floyd. So I think to myself what would have Beethoven created on 3 tabs of acid. I mean, Beethoven without acid was pretty fucking killer, but Beethoven dosed on acid, he would've written like 1,000 symphonies with 18,000 movements. Beethoven without Acid was an underachiever.  Mozart on acid, dude was writing symphonies at 13 and he was crazier then a fruitcake. Did You see Amadeus? Mozart, would've conducted his symphonies in a tutu.  Then I think about historical figures taking acid. Imagine Hitler on acid. He probably would've still killed 6 million Jews but he definitely would've shaved that mustache. I think he would've grew out his hair too.  Like real fucking long!  He would've looked liked Geezer Butler from Black Sabbath.  If Ghenghis Khan would've took acid he would've looked like Carlos Santana. So, take acid people. Make peace, not war.

There's certain things you just can't find. I've never met a male black dentist. I don't think they exist.  I've never met a Jewish plumber. Jews don't deal well with shit.  I'm yet to meet an Italian bagpipe player.  It's hard for me to picture a Macho Italian man, with slicked back hair, a thick gold chain in a kilt playing 'O Come On Ye Faithful.  I've never seen an Irishman drinking an O'doul's, the non alcoholic beer.  O'doul's is an Irish name but all Irishman drink real beer with fucking alcohol in it! Let's get real here!  I'll tell you what you'll never see, a nun buying a dildo. You'll never see that. She would use it as a stick and slap it on the asses of the catholic school children who spelt Jesus with with a soft "G".  Also, have you thought about this, is there a company who manufactures the wafers priests give out to the congregants during mass?  Who makes the body of Christ? Who makes the wafers? Nabisco? The Keebler elves? I'll bet you anything the Jews are behind it. The Jews vet at manishevitz who make the matzah also make the wafers only the wafers are leavened not unleavened. You know the Jews, they monopolize everything.  Speaking of Jews, they say rabbi's are scholars of the Torah.  Yet, I've never seen a rabbi studying.  They're always walking around, socializing, having meetings with troubled married couples.  Tutoring Bar Mitzvah boys.  When are the rabbi's studying?  And Where do the Mormons buy their protective underwear? In The BYU book store? They're like onesies.  Do they just come in white? Can you get them in green or in purple?  Back to the Jews, where do they get the shofar? The shofar is a ram's horn that the Jews blow like a tuba on Rosh Hoshana.  Do they get the ram's horn on the black market? Is there a ram's horn dealer on the upper west side. If not, where do they find the ram to slaughter, the Bronx zoo. Does the rabbi practice blowing the shofar? Did he have a shofar teacher when he was little kid.  In Hebrew school did he get pulled out of class like I did in School when I played the saxophone.  Is there a Nyssma for ram's horn? Did the rabbi score a 100? How about this.  Does a priest practice drawing the cross on people's heads for Ash Wednesday.  I mean, that dude's quite the finger painter.  I couldn't do that.  I can't draw a stick figure but I can draw a girl with big tits.  Makes no sense right. What about scientologists? You know how their religion was created by a science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard.  The basis of their religion is based off the book Dianetics.  What happens if a scientologist can't read? How do they read Dianetics? What about the illiterate scientologists? Where do they go? What about atheists, they don't believe in God. Do they even bother saying "Oh God".  Like when Nancy says to her atheist friend Bill "Did you hear about Stacy".  "She has lymphoma".  Does Bill the atheist have the nerve to say "Oh God, that's terrible".  What a shame".  If he does, he's a fucking hypocrite!  He should not say that.  What about agnostics, they believe in the possibility that there's something bigger then us. I believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy and Chaney was behind it.  I believe OJ's innocent.  I believe Sarah Palin can see Russia from her backyard.  I believe in a whole lot of shit. Hey agnostics, grab your balls an form an opinion.  Take a stance, goddamnit! I'm not sure what Jehovah's witnesses believe in in but they believe in ringing my doorbell.  Maybe they believe God is the front door.  Whoever opens the front door ascends to heaven.  With every ring the Jehovah's Witness gets a higher spot in heaven.  Be nice to The Jehovah's. Now Indians believe in something but I'm not sure why they can't cut their hair and they wear a towel on their head from bed, bath and beyond.  It must get itchy up there.  And I don't think they can itch it.  Because then they have to rewrap that towel and it's a major pain in the ass to wrap that thing up again.  Then Muslims, they pray 6 times a day on the floor on a filthy rug.  Do they vacuum that rug?  Beat it out? Where do they buy the rug? A toupee' store?  There's some nice oriental rugs in china town, they must get them there.  What about the Native Americans.  Do they still sleep in tee pees and wigwams or do they just get a room at Mohegan Sun?  Also, where does one get peyote?  I've been looking to eat peyote since 1997. I always ask around Foxwoods.  I can't find any.   But, I always end up in a hotel room with a Mohawk Chief named Chopping up Coke.  The chief's looking to score some peyote too.  If the chief ain't holding, no one is. So me and the chief ate some mushrooms and smoked the peace pipe instead.

Bipolar
So I've pretty much done it all. I've banged a $1,000 hooker, I snorted an eight ball of cocaine and I've tripped on acid, ecstasy and mushrooms.  But that's all bullshit.  More importantly Ive lost 110 lbs., quit doing drugs, quit smoking cigarettes. and I did this all with Bipolar Disorder.

That's right, I'm bipolar and everyone who knows me knows I'm bipolar. Friends, family, therapists, strangers! Everyone knows. I don't think I look bipolar but what does a bipolar person look like? ill tell you what us Bipolars look like.  Us Bipolar Guys, we look like Allan from The Hangover.  Bipolar Girls, they all look like miss Piggy when she's pissed off at Kermit.

'Ya know Having bipolar disorder is like having a great secret. It really is.  Being gay is no longer a secret.  Not anymore.  Cheating on spouses, that shits like out in the open.  Hardly a secret anymore. Bipolar!!! are you kidding me. You don't say that outloud!!!  People will think your crazy! and theyre right!  When people find out I'm bipolar I don't think their shocked. They're like"I knew Scott was a fucking weirdo". They never see me the same way again once they find out. It's like finding out your girlfriend used to be a whore in college. It might end things. There's been a lot about bipolar disorder in the press recently. Whoever's the PR guy for bipolar fucking sucks! He's making me look bad! Putting me in a depressive state. Motherfucker!  I can't get into the shower because of this guy! Anyway all these shootings. These fucking guys! They're all Bipolar! Jackoff in Virginia Tech. Bipolar! The navy guy. Bipolar! The fuck head in Colorado with his face painted like the fucking joker. What a shock. that clowns bipolar! And everyone at homes watching. my friends, my family and They're all saying one thing. Don't give Scott a fucking gun! !! Fuck! Scott will shoot up Buffalo Wild Wings! Fuck, Scott will shoot up red lobster! Fuck, Scott will shoot up Haagen Dazs. I must admit I have thought about shooting up Haagen Dazs.!The crime de leche. It's fucking delicious! Being bipolar has its ups and downs. Literally! Somedays it's hard to take a shower. Other days you're taking a cold shower and you think the waters warm. I'm scrubbing my bipolar nuts and and I think to myself it's hot as fuck in Here! But then I get frostbite. And the water on my nut sack freezes. And that just sucks. Words can't describe The feeling of a manic episode. It's fucking euphoric. You feel fucking unbelievable! Better then sex. Better then any drug. Better then acid. Better then Ecstasy. Better then shrooms. It's like all of those drugs with an eight ball of coke thrown on top of them. You're chain smoking. Talking fast. Hallucinating. I was so fucked up I thought I was John Lennon. Yup, I did. I thought I was John Lennon. I picked up the phone and called Paul. I was like "Hey Paul, I gotta new song. It's called shout and twist. Well shake shake shake baby now sale it up baby shout and twist, shout and twist...The song was a huge was a huge hit in my head. I once played hide and seek with myself. I was 18. I'd say where's where's Scott. Come out come out, wherever you are. I'd jump in bed, hide under the covers and then say here I am.  I used to get high during manic episodes and just walk through the woods in my neighborhood. I thought I was Robin Hood. I had the green stockings on and everything. The only problem was I couldn't find the rich to give to the poor. Hours later My parents would find me in the woods playing in the leaves. When was the last time you played in the leaves? Mine was last week. Good times. Good times. Now ya gotta take your meds which is a bummer. But, it's a legal, beneficial, drug addiction so I like that. I get my fix twice day. I'm a lithium junky. What's sad is the way bipolar disorder is depicted on TV.  You see it all the time on law & Order. Every other episode  features some loon locked up. Usually for murder. I'm wanted in 8 different states. Just because I'm bipolar. White, overweight, brown hair, frequents diners, likes french fries and is bipolar. I'm your guy!  Apparently there's not a whole lot of me out there!  Any Homeland fans out there? Yeah, it's my favorite show and Carrie the lead character happens to be a bipolar nutbar. She's so crazy She's fucking terrorists! That's how crazy she is. She's fucking terrorists!  She's in mental wards. She's listening to John Coletrane constantly. Apparently We've got a lot in common. Besides fucking terrorists. I've never fucked a terrorist. But I would if she didn't have that sheet over her head. Ill bang the Berka off her. Actually, I'd rather not see her face. Just lift up the sheets and ill bang ya the terrorist right out of her.  Osama Bin Getting fucked by a Jew. Where were we. Oh yeah, Bipolar Disorder. A lot of great musicians are bipolar. Beethoven, Curt Cobain, DMX! Apparently when DMX said get at me dog he really thought the dogs were getting at him. But they were flying at him.  Great Bipolar writers: Ernest Hemingway, John Keats. Bipolar Scientists: Sir Isaac Newton. So, when Sir Isaac Newton Theorized that what goes up must come Down. He was obviously up. The dude had to be having a manic episode. He was high as a kite up in that tree!  Sir Isaac was sitting in that apple tree for 3 weeks before that apple came down. Let's see. Who else. Russell Brand's bipolar. Are you fucking surprised?   Dude's nuttier then a fruit cake. words cant come out of his mouth fast enough.His mind's moving as fast as Usain Bolt. They say Abraham Lincoln was bipolar. No bullshit. Do you think he was manic when he abolished slavery? Just kidding. just kidding.  Everyone else whose Bipolar that I didn't mention is working at Home Depot. Because bipolar people know everything about certain shit. Guys at Home Depot know a lot about everything that's 100% unimportant outside of Home Depot. Perfect for Bipolars. Get very specific with customers and can go on long tangents about bullshit and the the customer needing a couple of lug nuts will listen. Works perfectly for us. If you haven't realized it by now there's something very, very wrong with me. That's right,  I'm bipolar. I forget I'm bipolar all the time. Then I do something really fucking insane, like standup comedy, and I remember, I'm bipolar. I am fucking nuts! I have an excuse! You can say "hey, watch out for Tom, dude's fucking nuts". And the other guy will be like, really. Then the same guy will be like "watch out for Scott, dude"'s freaking nuts". The other guy will be like, it's alright, he's bipolar. And the other guy will be like oh, that's a shame. It's a free pass for being fucking crazy! It's goddamn expected! All jokes aside, there's really no joke about being bipolar. It's a terrible affliction. But it makes for great comedy. So you better be good or I won't take my medicine and ill be in your backyard dressed as Robin Hood playing in your leaves. Shit, I need a clonipin! Im getting anxious! Thank you!

I'm Jewish but non religious. But I am fascinated by religion it's ridiculous. Going to temple, church or a mosque is like dressing up for Halloween. Jews with the yamulkes and Tallis, Muslims with the head coverings and Catholics. Jesus Christ, Catholics. Where the hell do you get your shit. Those big flowing robes, huge hats, scepters...it's quite the getup. And what religions spend on places of worship. Ornate churches, stained glasses, synagogues, mosques decorated like the subway...it's just so overtop. And then you got the service. The singing. Note to religious people besides blacks, you all can't sing well, shut the fuck up. Then during the service ya stand up, then sit down, stand up, then sit down. Wouldn't God want you to be comfortable. I mean Jesus, you worked so hard to get there. Did your hair, got your suit dry cleaned, shaved, God should atleast have the decency to let you chill out. He's got some nerve, God. I haven't been to temple in a very long time but my favorite is when someone was talking to loud during and some other guy shushed. Shushing someone in temple is like the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not shush. I literally almost saw a fistfight between two Jews on the high holidays in 1997. Lawyers were being called, it was getting interesting. I really want some religious gear. I want to wear it around the house. Walk around with a Cardinal hat on. Chill with the pontiff's scepter. Wear one of those Jewish Cantor hats. Wear shorts and sandals everyday like every Muslim follower and religious leader.

Do you think Harry Potter had a big penis? I mean, he had a big scar, a big wand, but a big penis? Did the boy who lived live large? You would think a wizard would have a big penis. If a wizard had a small one, they could cast a spell and have a monster.  Anybody know any wizards? My cock could use a spell. How about this for a spell: Hocus pocus find me a girl to poke. One who likes semen running straight down her throat.

Kim Kardashian fucked Ray J and Kris Humphrey, how does she pull Kanye West. I mean, Kanye's ugly, but he's talented. She's used to fucking talentless guys,  it's different fucking talent. I fucked the lead from Rent on Broadway. Too much talent for me. I fuck the talentless because that's what I deserve. Like Mensa the smart fuck the smart, talent should fuck talent. Kim Kardashian's talent is fucking. She's basically the highest paid hooker and Kanye is her mogul pimp. Just like all pimps, He'll buy her some things, see the kid every now and again and then split like a cheerleader. That's the way it goes...

Nelson Mandela changed the world. His impact was undeniable. But he got divorced. 27 years in jail and he got out and his wife made him feel imprisoned. Marriage.

The iPhone are user friendly but so are dildo's. Why does Steve Jobs get all the credit.

You ever think about what ancient civilizations used for toilet paper. No wonder there were public hangings and flogging. With a chafed, bruised asshole I'd be in a bad mood too.

Today my psychologist tried to convince me I was gay. We actually argued about my heterosexuality. I won the argument when she sucked my dick.

I used to do a lot of drugs and I have no regrets. But I regret paying for the drugs. I'm fucking broke!

Is it a rule that every man over the age of 55 from the tri state area has to like Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen. It's like an unwritten law. Hey jack offs , get a mind if your own and discover some other music ya fucking sheep.

We should really give thanks for Predident Obama, we really should because a white guy could never get away with some of the shit he's gotten away. Whit guy comes out and says gay marriage, he'd be impeached. They'd think he's batshit. White politicians have been trying to get socialized medicine in this country for 4o years, it took a black man to get it done. It's because whites fear blacks, so it took black man to get the right issues dealt with. Next will get a Jewish president to fix the conflict and a Muslim Vice President. Nip it all in the bud. Make this world a free enterprise comprised of legal drigs, hookers, gambling. Make it all legal. Why fight it. Go with the current. Let's make it happen.

Vagina is a mystery to men. Finding the clit is like doing a where's Waldo. I have no idea what's going on there. Vagina looks a lot like a prime rib that's very rare. I should grab a steak knife and get my dinner on. Get a side of potatoes while I'm at it. Dip the potatoes in the vaGina juice. It's like a strawberry daiquiri down there and it's melting. The further you get down the daiquiri the more liquidy it gets down there. Pussys like Jamba juice. Be careful, you can get brain freeze. Remember to breathe down there. Careful not to snorkel. And watch out for sharks and be weary of jellyfish in the pussy. Those things bite. Fragile, handle with care. But it's worth the adventure. You eAt some pussy then your good to go. You'll get what you want. A headache from the girl bitching the next morning. You can only please them temporarily. That's the way it is.

You ever been having sex and say to yourself "wow, I'm having sex, this is awesome". It's like you realize your having sex. I did not the other night. I was having sex and "I was like, wow, I'm having sex. Holy shit! I'm having sex! How did this happen?" The self realization that your having sex during sex is the best part of the sex. It's not the actual sex. It's the actual moment you realize your having sex. It's great. "Wow, I'm having sex". It must be how a gay men feels when he realizes gay. Wow, I'm gay. Then it all makes sense. The only difference wow, I'm having sex doesn't make sense. Is this girl an a moron. What's her deal. What's she saying to herself. "I can't believe I'm having sex with this chunky Jew". Too late now bitch, were fucking. Go with it, hate yourself later.

They say the Jews killed Jesus. Bullshit!  Jews don't hurt people.  My mom wouldn't let me play tackle football. I wasn't allowed to own a toy gun.  The only time a Jew ever kills another is when a Jew kills another Jew online at a bagel store.  Last year, Allen Rosenschwartz killed Stanley Katzawitz because he didn't know what kind of lox spread he wanted.  A hungry, impatient Jew can be a killer! Not a peaceful, biblical one.

Xmas is nice. But I get why Us Jews don't do Xmas. One day is just too much pressure! We're too neurotic!  Instead, We have 8 glorious Hannukah nights to fuck up.  A Jew can't handle one day!  Are you kidding me!   Xmas is like the complete opposite of Yom Kippur. Actually Yom Kippur is the Jewish Xmas because Jews get to do what they do best.  Complain.

I had sex yesterday and I had sex the day before and the day before last but I haven't had sex today and I probably won't have sex tomorrow. Anyone have $500 they can lend me.

So, God has finally shined his rays down upon me. Being fat is the norm. We're all fat! This whole country is fucking fat and we're all gonna fucking die and we're all gonna die because food is delicious and everyone likes to eat. So from this moment going forward let's all make a vow to be fucking obese and happy! Let's enjoy life and drop dead at 50! Who's with me? No one. Fuck you. You're all gonna die someday too. So there's something to look forward to. So Go eat a Big Mac and enjoy it goddamnit and a get a Mcflurry for dessert 'ya fatfuck!

You ever fart in your sleep and wake yourself up. I did that the other day. It was pretty awesome. That's true talent. I think it might be genetic or maybe it's just a trait Jews possess. Ya see, I come from a long line of farters. My dad was farter, his dad was a farther, his dad's dad was a farter. It's my inherent skill and you're about to get a whiff of it because I just farted.  Sorry.

You ever eat pussy and get full.  You pick your head up and it look you've been eating a whole apple pie without a fork. You just buried your head in pussy.  It's all over your face, it's in your eyes. You need a few things.  A tall glass of milk, a shower and a nap.  Next time wear a bib!

It must be tough to walk around and be a really hot chick. All day long guys are staring at your ass and whistling at you. That's not very nice. Hot chicks should be aloud to say go fuck yourself to every ugly guy that walks by. Let's make the playing field even.

Every white man needs a black friend. Every black man needs a Hispanic friend. Every Hispanic man needs a Korean friend. Every Korean friend needs a Jewish friend. Jewish friends need Indian friends.  Indians just need friends. Color and ethnicity, it doesn't matter. Indians just need friends.  They don't discriminate.  So befriend an Indian. It's a mitzvah.

I'm really good at sex. I'm great. I fuck like a champ. I'm the champion of the world. The world of cybersex.

I had sex with a black woman the other day. My first time. I felt like I was pounding the shit out of oppression. Blacks. Jews. Both of us beat the odds. Now I'm beating her back out from behind. Baruch Atah adonai, God Bless you. Hey black chick, You're actually attracted to an overweight Jew. What's your story? You're emancipating my penis. MAZEL Tov!

I want to be a dictator. A straight tyrant. A ruler. A leader. A serious dickHead. And while in power I will make every man wear turtlenecks. Every man will be turtlenecked besides me. Every man will also wear a tight pair of jean shirts. Very tight and very short. On their feet they will wear high army boots and knee high grey socks. Instead of marching my army will limp into battle. My country will called Aloyuisius. Our flag will be 2 black bears mating. Our national anthem will be Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew. I will have 112 smoking hot wives and I will find time to sleep with all of them weekly.  There will be one law in my land. Obey me! I am the law, the one, the sun, the spirit and the Holy Ghost. So come to Aloyuisius. Live long and prosper...if I let you. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me...

f you had to bang an animal what animal would it be? A goat. A gorilla.A rhinoceros. I would get some stilts and bang a giraffe. I think it would be fun to fuck 12 feet in the air.

So I just joined a secret society. We're called eat, sleep, shit. We're called eat, sleep shit because that's we do eat, sleep and shit. Here's how you get in. A member invites you to an outing. At these outing you meet the other members . you then have a huge meal, then take a huge shit and then take a 3 hour nap and leave. Your nap has to be 3 hours. If you wake up your out. If you don't take a huge shit prenap your out. This is a select society of fat, lazy, disgusting men and I just got accepted. I'm so off to take a huge shit and a nap.

I will fuck almost anything nowadays. Goats, bears, gazelles. Seriously, there's very few woman I won't fuck. I sit on the subway and I just think to myself that I will fuck whoever's sitting near me. I have no standards. I don't care about color, weight, ethnicity or age. I will fuck you and I will fuck you hard. My penis does not discriminate. Pussy is pussy and when it's wet it feels fucking good. Therefore, I will put my cock anywhere. I walk down the street and just look at every girl and just picture banging them. I mean everyone. Grandma's. Ill fuck a granny. Get some of that crusty punani.  That Formaldehyde smelling beaver. I'm down with that. I'm into fat girls recently. I love some round ass in my face. Grab on to that ass for dear life.  Make it your personal life preserver.  Save me fat girl while your ride my little dick. My dick looks like a mini pickle next to her fat thighs and big ass. That big ass that's saving my life.  It's amazing what I would fuck. Recently I've had a desire to bang oriental woman that cut toenails. They're very crafty these eastern woman. I bet you that equates to some creativity in the bedroom. She'll origami my dick. It will open and close differently forever. I'll have a customly crafted nut sack. They'll be hidden doors and secret levers. I can't wait to get me one of those oriental bitches.  I also want to bang every dog groomer. I like a girl good with clippers. She can groom my balls for me and then put a pink bow on my pubic hair. I will make her bark like a dog while I bang her.  Ruff ruff, ruff ruff. Wait till I bang that dog groomer doggystyle with my freshly shaved scrotum.  It's gonna be bananas.  The dog groomer barking while I give her the dick.  Howling at the moon while I give her my little stiff cock.  I might even hump her leg.


I was thinking that now may be a shitty time to be a thief. 10 years ago it was a viable profession but today you're fucked. There's no money in thieving. First off, nobody carries cash. You take some old bags purse, you gotta bunch of credit cards and hard candy. And I know your what  your thinking, credit cards! Credit cards are not the thieves friend anymore, they trace that shit back to you now! You get caught! What's the fun in being a thief if you get caught?! No cash, no credit cards. I know what your thinking, jewelry!  I have Two words for you, Surveillance cameras.  They're everywhere. Homes, subway platforms, offices. You can't escape the camera. And everyone has a camera nowadays. iPhones are killing the thief! You think you got away with it. Willie the next neighbor has you own camera stealing his neighbors plasma TV. Fucking Wille. That dick. So no cash, no credit cards, cameras everywhere. What to do? Get a job? Are you crazy? Sit in an office all day or make $7 an hour in a store.  I think I'm gonna go back to being a thief. If I get busted I go to jail. Beats the office. 3 hots and a cot.  I can be a thief in jail. Get caught, you stay in jail. Still a thief. I keep my job. So, I guess I'm gonna stay a thief and keep robbing. Ill smile for the camera while you catch me in the act. I'm gonna keep thieving!

I'm a reverse racist. I want affirmative reaction. I hate whites love blacks. I live in Harlem. I'm dating a black woman. I adopted a black child. I drive a souped up black Cadillac escalade with 24's and black leather interior. I went to the million man march. I reformed the black panthers. I still watch soul train. The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I'm boys with reverend al sharpton. Spike lee calls me militant. Chris Rock says I'm the best black comedian since Dave chapelle. I think whites should be slaves. I want my owner's name to be Otis. Ill be a house Cracker. Serve my master Otis steak and milk with perfectly mashed potatoes. He'll tell me to go fuck myself and get some KFC, cracker. Ill hop in Otis' hoopty and get him some biscuits. He'll whip me for taking too long. Otis will lock me in a room and force me to watch Tyler Perry movies. He demands me to find it funny. If he doesn't hear me laugh he whips me. Even with the whip I still can't laugh. Otis will teach me to roll perfect blunts. If its not to his liking he will fuck my shit up. Otis will keep sending me to the store for forties and he's gonna time me. I have 15 minutes to get to the store and back. If I'm late Otis is gonna break the 40 over my head. Call me a stupid white Mothafucka!

You ever cropdust on the subway. 'Ya know, fart and walk to the other end of the car. The smell just follows you. I call it the trail of tears. People  just look disgusted. You managed to make a subway car smell worse. Not an easy task. The subway smells like an old sock that's never been washed. A sock from when you played soccer when you were 10. You know, the big ones with the shin guards. Those crusty socks with That crusty sock stench. Like a rotten egg. That homeless smell. Unshowered. Unshaven. Just crust and must. Uch!

Standup comedians need a union. Why don't we get a fucking union or a guild? Ya got the goddamn writers guild, the fucking screen actors guild! Us comedians, We're too fucking stupid to have a fucking guild! Were too fucking lazy to have a guild. Who's gonna be our union president! Louis CK. he's too busy jerking off on everything. He doesn't have time for meetings and talking to insurance companies and all that fucking bullshit. He's busy eating pot roast and mash potatoes. Can you imagine a bunch of comedians would sound like picketing while on strike. What do we want "who gives a fuck". When do we want it "whenever". Hell no, who's got the blow. Hell no, who got the blow. We'd get nothing done and We'd get absolutely nowhere. Everyone has a union but us. Sanitation workers have unions. Plumbers have unions. Comedians  no fucking unions! we don't see, Doctor's. we can't afford fucking therapists, that's  why im up here. Im venting. No dental. comedians all have gingivitis. We get a free drink and if were lucky get a turkey sandwich on moldy bread. There are  No benefits to being a comedian. Does this look glorious? My publicist, manager and agent arent backstage. They don't exist! You're looking at them. I'm my own paparazzi. I take selfies and put them on Facebook. Like Rodney Dangerfield said "I get no respect". Comedians really don't. So I'm gonna stemlike which means unemployed. Ill apply for food stamps. Beats the turkey sandwich with moldy bread in the back.

There's certain types of girls I look for. No matter what  I just wanna bang them. Like girls walking around the city with yoga mats. I will fuck any female yogi. They're obviously limber. The main position in yoga is called downward dog. If they can do downward dog they'll definitely like it doggystyle. Another type of girl I want to bang are poets. I go to poetry readings all the time. These female poets are vulnerable, insecure expressive. They'll fuck you and then write a haiku about your penis. I also love banging teachers. It's fun to call them by there last name. You like that Ms. Smith, you like that! I'm gonna raise my hand, you gonna call on me Ms. Smith, you You dirty slut! Scott,  please Spell the word cuttilungus. I will have the right answer. I'm a great speller. I also love to bang lawyers. You debate about when to fuck. . Let's fuck now! Now's not  a good time to fuck, modern family's on. i object! I think we should fuck now! Female lawyers think they have something to prove. They'll fuck you then represent you in court after you get caught picking up a hooker. You have to watch it with them lawyers.  Who else? Girls that work in fashion are great to fuck too. Only fuck them once! They're expensive. Trendy places. They want to make appearances. Be seen. I can't roll with that. So Fuck the fashion out of her. Call her Donna Karen while you're giving her the dick. Make her say Versace. She'll love it. Oh, I also love to fuck ladies in real estate. These girls dream big. They're really slumming when they fuck me. So I pound them like I have a 3 bedroom on the upper east side. I fuck 'em like a millionaire! Give them that rich cock!  They cream like a Boston cream donut. Just jamming it in that donut hole. You like getting fucked by a fat broke bastard! You like getting fucked by a fat broke bastard real estate bitch! Suck my broke dick like its your commission. I'm the best you can do. But,  I won't fuck Doctors. No way! I take out my penis they start examining it. They make sure I don't have any STD's. just checking the cock. I can't sleep with a girl that saves lives. I don't deserve to fuck 'em. Doctors do need dick though. But they need a great cock. Ya see They're looking at cock all the time. They're barometer's high. They know good cock. they're Looking for that perfect Johnson. So That rules me out. I feel bad for a Doctor. When they give me or someone who looks like me a checkup, they shouldn't be exposed to someone who looks like me at home. They shouldnt come home after a long day of looking at cock and be forced to suck my cock. That's not fair. They deserve better much better then that these Doctor's. They deserve Magic Mike! that professional cock. Doctor's should get government regulated dick. FDA approved penis. Hook em up , Obama.  Oh man, There's nothing like fucking a therapist. They analyze every thrust. Give 'em the Freudian fuck! You usually spend $200 an hour for this kind of shit. Therapists are fucking nuts and fucking nuts in the bedroom. You fuck then discuss it. Analyze this! Hey therepist, Analyze these nuts! Then you have the speech language pathologists. They're fun to fuck. I don't even know what they do but I do them anyway. How's this for language speech language pathologist "get on all fours". Is that pathological? You're goddamn right it is! Then you have these finance botches. The female traders, brokers, trying to hang with the big boys. I plow into them real hard! I fuck them for stock tips. Their pussy is an investment towards my future. I banged a broker in 2007. She recommended apple. Thanks bitch! Finance bitches panties drop like the Dow. I fuck the debt right out of them. Ok, so I banged a nanny the other day. No,  Not some girl right of college. A 45 year old Spanish woman named Maria. Maria, Maria, I once met a nanny named Maria. And suddenly I see, that 45 year old Spanish pussy is hairee...Maria, Maria. Last but not least, I fuck Dog Walkers. That's right I fuck dog walkers.  I put the fucking leash on them! Walk them around my apartment. Have them pee on my indoor Plants.Then I give the dog walker a treat.  My penis. Their treat is my penis. They lick my penis like a dog licks the water bowl. Just slurping away. Then I make the dog walker walk my dog! And Then I send them home. In summary, I pretty much fuck every kind of woman. I don't discriminate. Ladies, I love you all!  Now, fuck off!

I have the worst fucking memory. It's a fucking miracle I get through this routine and remember it all:  fucking miracle! I have trouble remembering my address! My fucking address! Sometimes I give out my old address. Forget about my apartment #. I have no fucking clue. 5D, 3C. No idea. Sometimes I can't remember how old I am. I told somebody I was 13 the other day. Do I look like a bar mitzvah boy to you? Birthdays. Forget about it. I can't remember what month were in. I forget the year as well. When it was March I was still putting 2012 down on my checks. I can't remember shit. People's names! Are you kidding me?! I still don't know the names of my coworkers. I've been working there 4 months. I forget my keys and cell phone everyday. Every single day! And I forget where I put them. Apple stock has risen 100 points because of me. I've bought 9 new iPhones. I also can't remember where I'm going. Ill be on the subway and ill be like, where the fuck am I going! I get off in Brooklyn, I'm supposed to be in the Bronx! I forget if I saw a movie. Ill see a movie. Ill enjoy it, then I don't remember seeing it. Same goes for TV. Ill watch an episode of Homeland. Then next weeks episode.  I don't remember what happened the previous week. I never know what's going on. I tell everyone I know, I'll text you, I'll call you. I never do. I don't remember to. Want to talk to me. Ya gotta call me. Because I won't remember to call you. I have to remind myself to go to the bathroom. I'm like Scott, take a shit. Scott, take a piss. Scott, take a shower. And obviously I forget. Ill forget about being here tonight. And I just remembered I didn't shit today. So I'm gonna go wipe my ass backstage. Later...

My name is Scott Gendal and I have Bipolar Disorder (welcome).  everyone who knows me knows I'm bipolar. Friends, family, therapists, strangers! Everyone knows. I don't think I look bipolar but what does a bipolar person look like? ill tell you what they look like. they look like Allan in the Hangover.  having bipolar disorder is like having a great secret. Being gay is no longer kept secret.  Cheating on spouses, hardly a secret anymore. Bipolar!!! are you kidding me. You don't say that outloud!!!  People will think your crazy! and theyre right!  When people find out I'm bipolar I don't think their shocked. They're like"I knew Scott was a fucking weirdo". They never see me the same way again once they find out. It's like finding out your girlfriend used to be a whore in college. It might end things. There's been a lot about bipolar disorder in the press recently. Whoever's the PR guy for bipolar fucking sucks! He's making me look bad! Putting me in a depressive state. Motherfucker!  I can't get into the shower because of this guy! Anyway all these shootings. These fucking guys! They're all Bipolar! Jackoff in Virginia Tech. Bipolar! The navy guy. Bipolar! The fuck head in Colorado with his face painted like the fucking joker. What a shock. that clowns bipolar! And everyone at homes watching. my friends, my family and They're all saying one thing. Don't give Scott a fucking gun! !! Fuck! Scott will shoot up Buffalo Wild Wings! Fuck, Scott will shoot up red lobster! Fuck, Scott will shoot up Haagen Dazs. I must admit I have thought about shooting up Haagen Dazs.!The crime de leche. It's fucking delicious! Being bipolar has its ups and downs. Literally! Somedays it's hard to take a shower. Other days you're taking a cold shower and you think the waters warm. I'm scrubbing my bipolar nuts and and I think to myself it's hot as fuck in Here! But then I get frostbite. And the water on my nut sack freezes. And that just sucks. Words can't describe The feeling of a manic episode. It's fucking euphoric. You feel fucking unbelievable! Better then sex. Better then any drug. Better then acid. Better then Ecstasy. Better then shrooms. It's like all of those drugs with an eight ball of coke thrown on top of them. You're chain smoking. Talking fast. Hallucinating. I was so fucked up I thought I was John Lennon. Yup, I did. I thought I was John Lennon. I picked up the phone and called Paul. I was like "Hey Paul, I gotta new song. It's called shout and twist. Well shake shake shake baby now sale it up baby shout and twist, shout and twist...The song was a huge was a huge hit in my head. I once played hide and seek with myself. I was 18. I'd say where's where's Scott. Come out come out, wherever you are. I'd jump in bed, hide under the covers and then say here I am.  I used to get high during manic episodes and just walk through the woods in my neighborhood. I thought I was Robin Hood. I had the green stockings on and everything. The only problem was I couldn't find the rich to give to the poor. Hours later My parents would find me in the woods playing in the leaves. When was the last time you played in the leaves? Mine was last week. Good times. Good times. Now ya gotta take your meds which is a bummer. But, it's a legal, beneficial, drug addiction so I like that. I get my fix twice day. I'm a lithium junky. What's sad is the way bipolar disorder is depicted on TV.  You see it all the time on law & Order. Every other episode  features some loon locked up. Usually for murder. I'm wanted in 8 different states. Just because I'm bipolar. White, overweight, brown hair, frequents diners, likes french fries and is bipolar. I'm your guy!  Apparently there's not a whole lot of me out there!  Any Homeland fans out there? Yeah, it's my favorite show and Carrie the lead character happens to be a bipolar nutbar. She's so crazy She's fucking terrorists! That's how crazy she is. She's fucking terrorists!  She's in mental wards. She's listening to John Coletrane constantly. Apparently We've got a lot in common. Besides fucking terrorists. I've never fucked a terrorist. But I would if she didn't have that sheet over her head. Ill bang the Berka off her. Actually, I'd rather not see her face. Just lift up the sheets and ill bang ya the terrorist right out of her.  Osama Bin Getting fucked by a Jew. Where were we. Oh yeah, Bipolar Disorder. A lot of great musicians are bipolar. Beethoven, Curt Cobain, DMX! Apparently when DMX said get at me dog he really thought the dogs were getting at him. But they were flying at him.  Great Bipolar writers: Ernest Hemingway, John Keats. Bipolar Scientists: Sir Isaac Newton. So, when Sir Isaac Newton Theorized that what goes up must come Down. He was obviously up. The dude had to be having a manic episode. He was high as a kite up in that tree!  Sir Isaac was sitting in that apple tree for 3 weeks before that apple came down. Let's see. Who else. Russell Brand's bipolar. Are you fucking surprised?   Dude's nuttier then a fruit cake. words cant come out of his mouth fast enough.His mind's moving as fast as Usain Bolt. They say Abraham Lincoln was bipolar. No bullshit. Do you think he was manic when he abolished slavery? Just kidding. just kidding.  Everyone else whose Bipolar that I didn't mention is working at Home Depot. Because bipolar people know everything about certain shit. Guys at Home Depot know a lot about everything that's 100% unimportant outside of Home Depot. Perfect for Bipolars. Get very specific with customers and can go on long tangents about bullshit and the the customer needing a couple of lug nuts will listen. Works perfectly for us. If you haven't realized it by now there's something very, very wrong with me. That's right,  I'm bipolar. I forget I'm bipolar all the time. Then I do something really fucking insane, like standup comedy, and I remember, I'm bipolar. I am fucking nuts! I have an excuse! You can say "hey, watch out for Tom, dude's fucking nuts". And the other guy will be like, really. Then the same guy will be like "watch out for Scott, dude"'s freaking nuts". The other guy will be like, it's alright, he's bipolar. And the other guy will be like oh, that's a shame. It's a free pass for being fucking crazy! It's goddamn expected! All jokes aside, there's really no joke about being bipolar. It's a terrible affliction. But it makes for great comedy. So you better be good or I won't take my medicine and ill be in your backyard dressed as Robin Hood playing in your leaves. Shit, I need a clonipin! Im getting anxious! Thank you! Goodnight!

If I could fuck any female right now it would be Jennifer Lawrence. She can suck my Winters Bone. I will make her hunger for my games. And my game is called foreplay. Fore!!!  She can crossbow me right in the ass if I could have a slice of her pie.  Her character's name is Katniss.  She can take a cat nap after she blows me. All jokes aside, she's so fucking talented and beautiful. So beautiful. I'd chain her up to my garage. Take out my ol trusty crossbow and make her body my dart board. That's how much I love Jennifer Lawrence. I will thrust arrows into her and then thrust my penis in between her butt cheeks. Penetrate her anus with my winters bone. And it won't be cold. It will be hot, and warm, and composed of stool. Give her the old doody dick. I'm bipolar. So was Bradley Cooper in Silver Linungs Playbook. Maybe she's into Bipolars. Ill give her the manic depressive dick. When I start banging her ill be happy, when I cum ill be sad. Then ill take my meds and throw her the old lithium dick. Mood stabilize her pussy. Put her in the catatonic state with my thick bipolar cock. Then ill bend her over with my anti depressant dick. My prozack cock! Give her the euphoric bang! The explosive willy.  The creative cock! The paint her a pitcher, write her a song cock. The artistic boner. The hard haiku poetic cock.  Im gonna Poetry slam Jennifer Lawrence's pussy. The def jam cock! Ya know, The Russel Simmons penis. The Run DMC beef! The Rest In Peace Jam Master Jay Cock. The reveren run cock! The Good lord have mercy cock. The speak now or forever hold your peace cock! The praise Jesus penis. The Lord our God dick! The heavenly penis. The cloud atlas Johnson. Giving Jennifer Lawrence the afterlife Dick. The chilling out next to my dead grandpa dick. My grandfather's looking down from above watching Jennifer Lawrence ride my dick, dick. The squeezing that ass tight dick! Slapping that ass dick. My small little penis, dick. The two pump, chump dick. The wait I just cummed dick. The, I hope your on the pill dick. The oh shit, we better get the morning after pill dick. The I'm late dick. The planned parenthood dick. The aborted dick. The let's try this whole thing over again cockadoodle doo, dick. The practice makes perfect with my penis, dick. Jennifer Lawrence, it's just a matter of time. I am gonna fuck you and I am gonna fuck you hard! Real hard! Because that's way you like it! That's what you need. You need some Jewish, New York, 2nd avenue deli cock to take back with ya to the hunger games. When your hiding in a tree, take out my cock and stroke it for good luck. It will keep you warm, Jennifer. You can't win the hunger games without my cock...

Texting's a problem. It's really fucked up. Things are getting misconstrued, misinterpreted, everything's taken literally. no female picks up on my sarcasm. You text someone, you get a text back either 2 minutes, 2 hours later or 2 days later and all 3 fuck with your head. Texting with your boys is whatever, 90% of the time you don't care when they get back to you. But then you got the other 10% when you desperately need information and you don't if you don't get it it sucks. And this inside information, you can't find it on google. Here's an example, you text your friend, do you remember the cherleader who blew doug on the bus on the way to to the JV soccer game. Ya know,  It's on the tip of your tongue but you just don't rember. And your friend is the only one who will have the answer. Because He was sitting next to Doug. Another example is when your boy was the designated driver. Which means he was just getting high while you and the rest of your friends were getting drunk and doing coke. Your memory is extremely hazy but your friend remembers the whole thing. You say to your friend "your like yo bro, did I make out with Lauren or Stephanie or both at the same time". And your friend is the only one who has the answer. And you need to know because Strphanie just friend requested you on Facebook. Maybe you can rekindle that old flame.  Give her the old back in the day fuck. Texting sucks! I miss talking on the phone especially in terms of dating. The whole cat and mouse game is fucking ridiculous. You text back and forth for 10 minutes. Then she doesn't text you back for 4 hours. You know she looked at her phone is read. Fucking bitch! Throw me a text. Then you get all macho and your like "let's see how she likes not getting text back". So you don't text her back for 6 hours. This is killing relationships. The game has gotten out of control via text. And you can't help but play it. And you can't help but check your phone. It becomes a sick addiction. Did she text, did she text me. And the funny thing is when that text comes your really not that excited. The anticipation is so much more exciting. You get addicted to the unknown. It's so fucking stupid. Why can't people just be honest. Why can't someone just say I like. You should want to talk to the other person. Not play some stupid game. You're throwing the relationship away on some bullshit. You text your girl "come over and suck my dick" at 7:30. She texts you back "I just got this now". Which always a lie. "I'll suck your dick tomorrow night". Because of the text game your stuck with an unsucked dick.  And that's just tragic. Everyone shoulda go to sleep at night with a sucked dick. It should be mandatory in this country. If your knob's not polished by 11:59 PM you should be able to go somewhere they'll suck your dick. Every year you'll get a calendar. And everyday has to be whole punched for a sucked dick. You miss 5 days we kick you to Canada. Texting is ruining relationships. It may be beneficial in other forums but when it comes to girls and guys it's a deal breaker. Guys you'll have an unsucked dick. Plus, now you can always be reached and found. Did you get my text, did you get my text. Yeah I was getting head from your best friend Stacy, I was preoccupied at the moment. But, she knows you were up to something. Your phone is like a leash now. It even has a navigation system. You literally can be found at all times. You're chilling at the boots club, your wife knows the address. She might show up in a thing with a wig on and ride your best friend. I've seen this first. My friends wife rode me. I'm not proud of this but I'm just being honest. Tears up relationships. Miscommunication, misinterpretation, misconstrued, missing persons list. This is  my advice. Throw your phone into a river, buy a $500 used car and head for Mexico. If you have $100 bucks in your pocket you can be a drug lord. It's a nice life. Better then being followed by your girl all day. She'll probably find you though. They always find you and they always find out. Fucking woman are like the character Monk. Obsessive detectives. Men throw the phones and head to Mexico. Ladies text us back. Stop playing your little games. Once we give you the dick you become submissive. I'm your daddy, bitch. Make the next text your last text and in capital letter write FUCK YOU!

Here's a conversation between my nana and her friend in Boca Raton, Florida.

Nana's Friend: How's Scotty doing?

Nana's Friend: Oh, he's amazing. He's So amazing. We're so proud of Scotty. Oh, He's so good looking. He looks just like his stepfather. A mix between Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Jake Gyllenhall and John Mayer. He's hot and cute. Puppy dog blue eyes. You haven't seen him since his Bar Mitzvah when he was fat and homely. Now he's slim and distinguished.  Oh, and his odor. He smells so good.  He smells like petunias.  He burps potpourri. Oh, you have to see Scotty Dance . He's like Justin Timberlake, meets Usher, meets Michael Jackson meets James Brown. He's got soul for or a white or black guy. Scott's got biracial soul. Oh, and does Scotty have manners. He opens doors, he closes doors, he makes doors. He says thank you. He says God Bless You. He says gazundteit. He says your welcome. He says all these things to comple strangers.  Oh, and he's smart, he's so smart. Well versed in algebra, calculus and statististics. Oh, did I tell you Scotty's a Doctor now. He moonlights as a cardiothoracic surgeon. Scotty does valve replacements for fun. Oh, Scotty, he writes. Scotty's such a great writer. He's a poet. Scotty writes haikus. He's a published a poet. Scotty does this new thing called slam poetry. He kills it! Scotty's so passionate. He's so passionate! Oh, and he's an actor of stage and screen. He starred in a movie called baby grand about a man who makes piano's. The New York Times called Scotty's performance scintillating. Scotty's a method actor and he's always in character. Scotty plays himself pretending to be normal, not special. It's hard work. Right now Scotty's mapping out the blueprint for building the new 59th street bridge. Scotty's the lead engineer. Oh, and Scotty's fashionable. Scotty's bringing back the turtleneck. Isn't that great. I love the turtleneck. I heard Scotty's thinking about wearing a cape.  There's nothing Scotty can't do. He might be the supreme being!

Nana's Friend: I thought you told me Scotty's Unemployed and is now trying standup comedy.

Nana: who told you that?

Nana's Friend: You did. Last week.

Nana: Oh, well, I didn't want to make you feel jealous.  Your grandson Mark is just the creator of Facebook.

Grandma's Friend: We're so proud of Mark.

Grandma: Does Mark where a cape. Is he the supreme being like Scotty?

Grandma's Friend. He's got a lot of friends. He invented poking.

Nana: Scotty wears a turtleneck. He's doing a lot of poking.  But I'm sure Mark's a fine boy.

Nana's Friend: maybe one day Mark can be like Scotty.

Grandma: Ill pray for him.

ooking at Facebook nowadays is goddamn depressing. I'm 33 and I scroll down the screen and There's just pictures of the kids of the girls I used to fuck and their kids. These might be pictures of my own kids I'm looking at! Who knows right? I didn't always use a condom! My sperm was a hot commodity in 2009. Today, I'm fat, unemployed and doing standup. Now Sperm banks don't want my sperm. I pay them for sperm deposits!

They say chivalry is dead. I tend to disagree. I'm chivalrous. I'm very chivalrous until I sleep with the girl. Then chivalry dies and get the fuck out of my apartment as soon as possible comes into play. So I'm chivalrous pre sex. Post coidus, chival the the fuck out of my life. Let me pretend to be chivalrous with someone else.

I don't believe in pre Maridal sex. It adds to the anticipation. But since I don't believe in pre Maridal sex I do believe in instant divorce. Some things are just not meant to be, like marriage. Better to find out right away. I will quote the late great Johnny Cochrane (OJ's lawyer) . If it don't fit, you must acquit. Same goes for marriage. It it don't fit, don't fucking committ. Get out immediately! Unless you'll be fucking the wrong person for the next 50 years and that's unfair to yourself. Think self first!

There's nothing like a nice blow job. I equate it to a fine piece of art. It sticks out in your mind and completes the room. It's memorable and unforgettable like the Mona Lisa. It always makes you smile.

Sex looks disgusting. I mean like fucking. When you watch 2 people fucking post jerkoff it looks gross. Some assshole's bare ass with his nut sack bouncing up and down, it looks primal. Sometimes girls look in pain. Some idiot standing on a couch jack hammering some 100lb. Girl. It just looks fucking bizarre. It looks angry. What did she do, man? What the fuck did she do?  She must be a real fucking bitch to deserve the jackhammer. It's like The  goddamn WWE. The guy should wear a fucking hardhat. That pussy is violent and dangerous. The guy should work for Con Ed. Jackhammering holes. Maybe I need to jackhammer a girl. I'd probably knock her out. Fat and the jackhammer don't mix.

I like the term live everyday like it's your last. Most people's last day are spent in a bed gasping for air. Anybody want to live today like that?...Didn't think so.

Be all you can be. That's what the army days. Be all you can be. Is the best version of yourselves walking around in boots and fatigues in the west village. Is that all you can be. Could you be something more? I'm not knocking the armed forces but I think a major problem is that people are joining the army thinking they can be all they can be and they realize they can be more. I'm all I can be. I'm fat, lazy, neurotic and I know I can't be more but atleast I know my capabilities. Be all you can be. Be more then you thought. Then you're something. Be More then You could imagine fucking imagine. Be that. Then your something.

When did it become cool to hate haters. I like a guy who kills the vibe. Turns everyone's smile upside down. We need more of those guys. I feel like people are too happy now. Let's go back to being miserable. Everyone likes to complain. It gives you something to do. Starting tomorrow I want everyone to be unhappy. That would make me happy. Thank you.

I think it's very nice to be religious for one reason. Fashion: Hasidic Jews don't have to worry about being fashionable. They all hva great hats. Indians rocking (the blank) don't need trendy haircuts. They can be bald, you wouldn't know. Female Muslims rocking the berkas. Those things never go out of style and you never know what under. Could be some fine Muslim ass under there. We'll never know. I'm converting to one of these religions so I never have  to worry about looking sharp again.

I don't believe in premarital sex and most of my friends tell me they don't have post Maridal sex so I think I'm gonna just keep fucking myself all the time. It's a lot more convenient and less dramatic. I'll buy myself roses and chocolate, throw on Barry White, buy satin sheets and hump a pillow. I'll make love to myself and wake up feeling satisfied with no strings attached.

Every single girl is a cyber stalker. If you speak to a girl later on that night she is doing a complete background check. Google, Facebook, private investigators, detectives, hospital records, criminal background checks. She will knew who you've been with, who you're friends are. This is what they do. Guys scratch their balls and watch basketball, woman google men. And they enjoy it. Fuckin' snoops. Want a watch an episode of CSI hang out with a woman. You'll be profiled. She'll know the name of the hooker you banged in Vegas and your drug dealer. Woman are the CIA. Fuck Julian Assamge. Fuck Eric Snowden. The girl you sit next to at work knows your life story. She's your personal whistleblower.

I have trouble meeting woman, because I don't leave my house. I wish woman made house calls.  At home dating.  Online, at home, woman shows up at your door dating. Convenient. Never have to leave home. You can date in your underwear. Microwave dinner for the both of you. Set the mood with your desk lamp.

Be all you can be. That's what the army days. Be all you can be. Is the best version of yourselves walking around in boots and fatigues in the west village. Is that all you can be. Could you be something more? I'm not knocking the armed forces but I think a major problem is that people are joining the army thinking they can be all they can be and they realize they can be more. I'm all I can be. I'm fat, lazy, neurotic and I know I can't be more but atleast I know my capabilities. Be all you can be. Be more then you thought. Then you're something. Be More then You could imagine fucking imagine. Be that. Then your something.

When did it become cool to hate haters. I like a guy who kills the vibe. Turns everyone's smile upside down. We need more of those guys. I feel like people are too happy now. Let's go back to being miserable. Everyone likes to complain. It gives you something to do. Starting tomorrow I want everyone to be unhappy. That would make me happy. Thank you.

I think it's very nice to be religious for one reason. Fashion: Hasidic Jews don't have to worry about being fashionable. They all hva great hats. Indians rocking (the blank) don't need trendy haircuts. They can be bald, you wouldn't know. Female Muslims rocking the berkas. Those things never go out of style and you never know what under. Could be some fine Muslim ass under there. We'll never know. I'm converting to one of these religions so I never have  to worry about looking sharp again.

I don't believe in premarital sex and most of my friends tell me they don't have post Maridal sex so I think I'm gonna just keep fucking myself all the time. It's a lot more convenient and less dramatic. I'll buy myself roses and chocolate, throw on Barry White, buy satin sheets and hump a pillow. I'll make love to myself and wake up feeling satisfied with no strings attached.

Last week I had sex at work. Seriously sex at work. I took a hooker in the bathroom. It was after work so I got paid overtime. And the overtime paid for the hooker. Everybody wins. Hooked paid. I got laid. The bathroom got sprayed. The only loser, the janitor. he had to clean up the mess. Ill throw him a ten at Christmas time. He earned it.

Anyone else here hate to shower? I mean. I do it everyday but it's fucking boring. Is it exciting to scrub your ass. I wouldn't want to scrub anyone's ass. Especially not my own nasty ass. I know where he's been. I know the culprit who ate that shit. I want no part of him.

You ever cropdust on the subway. 'Ya know, fart and walk to the other end of the car. The smell just follows you. I call it the trail of tears. People just look disgusted. You managed to make a subway car smell worse. Not an easy task. The subway smells like an old sock that's never been washed. A sock from when you played soccer when you were 10. You know, the big ones with the shin guards. Those crusty socks with That crusty sock stench. Like a rotten egg. That homeless smell. Unshowered. Unshaven. Just crust and must. Uch!

I really want to see Taylor Swift naked. I want to bang her and Wake up to her writing a song about me. she'll call it premature ejaculation. The song will be over in 30 seconds.

Who's better looking Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? I mean,  I knew who I'd rather fuck...Angelina. But I feel like girls are more passionate about getting fucked by Brad.

Can you imagine what these African boys think to themselves when Angelina shows up in Africa. They must think all white females look like this.  Oh, are they sorely mistaken. Every American female looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman's. Fat, bloated and pissed off! Trust me. I fuck them!

Last week I had sex at work. Seriously sex at work. I took a hooker in the bathroom. It was after work so I got paid overtime. And the overtime paid for the hooker. Everybody wins. Hooked paid. I got laid. The bathroom got sprayed. The only loser, the janitor.  He had to clean up the mess. And what a mess it was. Ill throw him a ten at Christmas time. He earned it.

So I need pussy. I really need pussy. And I don't need pussy because I'm horny, I need pussy because I'm bored. Right now my options are limited. Gone are the days of calling up your boys and being like"hay, let's smoke a blunt". Getting high is what I did when I was bored. Or I'd play a video game. I can't play video games at 34. That's just not cool. So what to do with your spare time? Instead of playing with video games might as well play with some pussy. Pussy is entertainment. I mean I love to watch sports. The Knicks play 3 nights a week, the other 4 nights you have nothing to do. Might as well play with some pussy. It's entertaining. Takes your mind off things. It's a nice alternative to a nice day of work.  No ice cream in the fridge, no cake to eat, pussy makes for a great dessert. Eat some pussy.  It's non fattening. It's non threatening. It's moist. It's responsive. Not a bad way to end your evening.  Pussy is my entertainment but I get no pussy because I'm a pussy. I'm scared to approach so my entertainment is pornography which can be stimulating but I prefer pussy. It's alive, it breathes, it's lips move when it talks. Pussy is my only option for boredom . After this set I'm gonna get myself some pussy. Anybody wanna be wingman on my pussy hunt. Swing by after the set we'll talk.

Sex: Everyone's Having It!

Everybody's having sex.  Unbelievable right!  And I mean everyone.  Every person you past by is fornicating.  The unkempt guy making your sandwich at the deli.  He's having sex.  The old chubby dude who owns the liquor store.  He's having sex.  Your korean dry cleaner who thanks you 3 times for your business.  He's having sex.  Amazing right!  They are all having sex and it blows my mind!  The next time you walk down the street take a long, detailed look at the person who walks by you.  They are having sex.  Or, they've had sex.  Somebody slept with that person.  How the hell did that happen?

Now, nobody's perfect.  I am far from perfect but every now and then I find a female that wants to do me.  It's miraculous!  Hard to believe right.  Somehow I coerce a girl into thinking that I am worth spending intimate time with.  Now, everyone's taste is different.  Hot for me is not hot for you.  But let's be honest, some people are flat out unattractive.  Does falling in love with someone's character truly exist?  It must.  You may think this is bullshit, but I won't date someone who is not a great person.  Doesn't matter how hot she is.  I might sleep with said beautiful girl, but I won't date her.  For me, values are more important then looks.  But, I won't lie.  You need to be attracted to someone.  But I do think attraction can grow through interaction.  Is that how unattractive people meet?  If so, that's beautiful.  What's beautiful about it is there relationship will be more fruitful.  A relationship based on character and not looks will undoubtedly last longer and be more authentic.  And I believe everyone's looking for a quality relationship.  

The one thing everyone agrees on is sex.  It unites us.  I never met anyone who says sex sucks.  Whether your black, white, male, female, gay or straight you love to bone.  Sex is the underlying current of what's controlling society and running this country.  All relationships are based on sex.  Politics, sports.  It's the root of all evil, and quite possibly, the most beautiful, thing in the world.  And it's usually free.  It makes love.  It breaks love.  It gives life.  Without sex you wouldn't be here.  I wouldn't be here.  All those ugly people you walked by on the street had parents who had sex.  Probably ugly parents.  But they consummated.  They had sex!

So go out and have sex!  Because it's fun.  It's free.  It's a good workout and it makes you smile.  So go do it.  Just do it right.  Good sex.  Bad sex.  I'll still luv 'ya because Scott Don't Care....

Some Quick Thoughts On God

Some Quick Thoughts On God

It doesn't make sense to me.  The world is divided by a spirit no one has legitimately seen.  God runs many people's lives.  It runs countries.  More people have been killed in the name of God then anything in the history of the world and nobody's ever seen him.  But many are so sure they have.  Now i'm not Bill Maher.  I believe in God.  God meaning that I believe in something much bigger then us.  But, I don't go around quoting him, praying to him or preaching to him.  George Carlin said it best "I pray to the sun, at least I can see it".  It's funny and it makes a lot of sense.  Now take a step back for a second.  Imagine you were teleported into 2013 a 30 year old newborn never experiencing human civilization.  If you walked into a church, a synagogue or a mosque and you saw a bunch of grownups dressed funny all standup up then sit down while saying the same thing it would look insane.  Much more insane then an insane asylum.  At least they play checkers there.

Every religious group is so sure they're right.  They're so sure their version of the big guy is the right version.  You all can't be right!  Somebody's gotta be wrong!  Now, I don't have the right answer.  But, I have the right answer for me.  I personally don't go to places of worship.  I find it hypocritical.  I feel out of place.  Sort of like a Jew at the Vatican.  I believe God can be found everywhere.  That's my version of Hashem.  I believe the holy spirit lives within us and is all around us.  I read a book that said we are all God and God is trying to communicate with us.  Interesting right.  Maybe God's trying to figure out how to talk to us instead of us searching to talk with him.  It makes just as much sense to me.

Believe it or not, i'm a man of faith, not science.  I think some things just can't be explained.  I'll use myself as an example.  I'm a poet.  I've been published.  I've never studied poetry.  Neither of my parents are poets.  I have no poets or writers in the family.  I've never really read poetry besides my own.  I fucking hate poetry with a passion! But, i'm really good at writing it.  It doesn't make sense.  I can't explain it.  Of course, that's a shitty example.  But it's one of the reasons that I believe that the statement that says "science can't explain everything" is true.  There are millions of better examples.  The fact that we are here inhabiting the planet earth is reason enough to believe in God.  It will never be explained.  Darwin's theory of evolution makes the most sense but it's still flawed.  I look at nature and I find God.  Everything is in its proper place.  Our surroundings makes sense.  The right trees grew in the right surroundings.  The right animals are native to the right spot on the globe for their species to inhabit.  Rock formation.  All of nature makes sense to me.  I see God in all of it because it's pure.  It's real.  It adapts.  It breathes.  It's alive.  Just like us.

I also find God within.  My friends know that i'm deeply into meditation.  When I meditate I find answers.  Not the answers to society's problems, the answers to my problems and the answers to the situations and problems within my life.  I tap into my consciousness twice a day for 20 minutes and I come out refreshed and  organized.  It's the most important thing I do everyday and I don't know where i'd be without it. 

Lastly,  I've been through a lot of shit in my life.  More then most.  And I never directly found God.  A couple of years ago I went on a spiritual quest.  I read a lot of religious and spiritual texts.  I'm fascinated by that stuff.  I took a little something from all of those texts.  Below are the three most important statements I've read.  They are nonreligious and apply to everyone.  Enjoy!

1) Whatever you're thinking about, you're attracting into your life.  This is known as the law of attraction.  Ex. If you want a new job or promotion, think about it constantly and have the belief that you've already received the said job or promotion, you'll attract it and you'll get it.  The law of attractions is always at work.  It's 100% real.  Every person, every situation and everything in your life, you've attracted.  Even chlamydia.

2) Live In The Now - Don't think about what you should have done differently in the past.  It's over!  You can't change it.  Don't think everything will change when you get that new job in the future.  You'll still be you only making more money but your problems and flaws will follow you.  The only thing you can change is the present moment and that moment is always now.  And that moment dictates your future and puts the past behind you.

3) There's always a message to be found.  Everything does happen for a reason.  Whether good or bad, there's always a life lesson to be learned.  Your job is to find that lesson and learn from it.  When you find the lesson, you'll know.  Trust me.

Ladies, what Makes Your Man?

Ladies, What Makes Your Man?
Ladies, what does it for 'ya?  What makes you swoon?  What makes you say "I want him!"  What makes your man?  

Who are men?  What are men?.  These are not easy questions to answer.  Of course, every man is different.  Men like beer, sports and sex.  That's the stereotypical American Male.  But that stereotype is bullshit.  

Unlike woman, men get to the point.  Their stories have a beginning, middle and end in 2 minutes.  Very few details are given.  The use of adjectives are limited.  A woman's story is a miniseries.  They come in installments.  You can buy the story on DVD when it's over.  But, men love woman.  Everybody loves woman. Gay men, lesbians and transsexuals love woman.  But how woman choose men is interesting.  They have a prototype in their head.  They keep record. Pros and cons.  Does the bad outweigh the good?  Where do they make the exceptions.  Ladies, What makes your man?  Woman choose from a list of 12 categories that encompass the man they are looking for.  These 12 categories support the foundation of the female selection process.  And believe me guys, the ladies are taking notes and seeing what works for them.

Ladies, What Makes Your Man:


The 12 Categories That Decide If A Woman Is Interested In You.
1) Money
2) Job
3) Religion
4) Personality
5) close w/Family
6) Culture/Pop Culture
7) Apartment
8) Style
9) Travel
10) Sports Teams
11) His friends
12) Pets

Each Categories Value To Woman:
1) Money- The diner. The Poconos. The movies and a 1 karat diamond ring. 
Or 
Stanton Social, Antigua, Broadway and a ring from Tiffany's. The choice is yours.

2) Job- Ladies like to tell their girlfriends that their husband or boyfriend makes more $ then theirs. Fact.

3) Religion- The kid needs to know if he's gonna be Bar Mitzvhad or baptized.

4) Personality- Will I be laughing and smiling or crying and whining?

5) Close With Family- Will I refer to his mother as mom?

6) Culture/Pop Culture- Will you be watching the bachelor together?

7) Apartment- Interior designer or shit from Ikea?

8) Style- Is my boyfriend a shlub or are we shopping together and picking out shirts at J. Crew.

9) Travel- Does he want to go to the louvre or the bar across street?

10) Sports Team- Helps to be on the same page.  Especially if you're a Jet or Met fan.

11) His Friends- Is he surrounded by assholes or are they at least respectful and cordial.

12) Pets- "I hate his fucking dog!"  He smells like shit.  Do I have to walk him.  Fuck!

Ladies, we know you consider these categories.  But don't be deceived.  Sometimes priorities change, your men change, and what you consider important loses its value.  Sometimes things that didn't matter become important.  5 years ago I could care less if a girl could cook.  Today, I would love a girl who's good in the kitchen.  Ladies, be careful for what you wish for, you might get it.  But wish for the right things.  If you're just looking for a guy with money. I hate to break it to you, it's probably not gonna work.  A good relationship is based on trust and companionship.  Enjoy your man's company and love him for who he ain't as much as who he is.  You'll thank me later.  

Ladies, what makes your man? I don't fucking know because Scott Don't Care...

WHO IS NORMAL?

Who Is Normal?

It's becoming harder and harder to define.  Who is normal? Who do you define as normal? Who do we define as normal? I am not normal. I wish I was, but I'm not. I like being abnormal. Seriously though, everyone has their own definition of normal. My definition is probably different then your definition. And that's what makes this country and world great. I believe in diversity and I think the world revolves around one thing, perception. The way we perceive our lives and the lives of those around us gives us our definition of normal. We're all wired differently. No two people are exactly alike. Not even identical twins. But the solution to our brain chemistry and the way we think is our family. You're more like your brother, sister and cousins then you believe. The apple doesn't fall too far from your family tree. Back to normal. Growing up I thought my family was normal. Around the age of 14 I realized this was not the case. Sure, I grew up in a nice house in a beautiful development in Dix Hills. My parents were always around and still together. I have a younger sister. We had 2 brand new cars, a big backyard...you get the idea. Most would see this as normal. It kind of sounds like the American dream. But inside my house were 4 very unique personalities. Us Gendal's are far from normal. We were 3 lunatics and my mother controlled the mental ward. I mean this in the most loving way. My dad, my sister and I are certainly abnormal. In my house my mother was the definition of normal. But I believe your own personal definition of normal comes from outside the family. I think everyone needs one non family member to be their definition of normal. My definition is my best friend Michael. I will explain why...


My Definition of Normal
My best friend Michael AKA "Spike" is living a great life.  One I truly admire. I don't envy Michael, but I wish I was more like him. We've been friends since we were toddlers. We've basically done everything together. Me, Michael and Drew (my other best friend) have basically been inseparable from before we can remember. I don't know my life without them. Besides my parents, they have probably had the greatest influence on me. We are 3 very different personalities . We are 3 very different people and I think that's why it's always worked. We truly love one another for who we are. There's never been a competition between the three of us unless it was on the basketball court. It was certainly never in the classroom. Drew's always been my partner in crime. He's the life of the party. Every night he leaves the bar with 20 friends. When were together your watching a comedy team and I'm playing the straight man. Michael's always been conscience and therapist. He's always even keel and he's always listening. My mind is constantly creating and drifting and coming up with ideas. No matter what I say, no matter how crazy, funny or insane it is, Michael won't judge me. If I say something too abstract, he won't comment. If I say something intelligent or insightful it will start a 20 minute conversation. If I say something really funny, he'll open his mouth wide, laugh once, and then have a funny retort or will repeat what I said back to me in a different tone. He's the perfect ying to my yang.

I went off on a tangent. Back to normal. 

When it comes to life Michael's always done everything right. Everyday I'd go to his house after school and always after High School. We basically lived next door to each other. Everyday after High School Michael would walk in his house, grab a drink and do his homework immediately. I'd look at him like he was from Neptune. I'd go in his backyard and get high while he's doing his social studies homework. He had a goal. Michael wanted to go to Michigan where his brother Jeff went. At that point in time My plans were to go on tour with Phish. He's always planned ahead. He was always prepared for the next step. This is why he's my definition of normal. He went to the college of his choice. Got good grades. Got a good job. Got a great girl. Married her, and is now the father to the coolest baby boy. If there's such thing as an American dream Michael's living it. But he's never satisfied, he's always looking to better himself and that what makes him great. Michael's my hero and my definition of normal. Without his influence of normality I'd probably be homeless in Washington Square Park.

The Definition of Abnormal?
So what makes me abnormal. I spend days at a time writing things that I'm not getting paid to write yet, this blog being one of them. I meditate twice a day for an hour each day. I enjoy burning incense and watering indoor plants. I drink bold coffee all morning and drink exotic teas all afternoon. NOW THE INTERESTING STUFF. I don't judge people based on income, only character. I'm non materialistic. I'm non judgemental.  I treat and talk to doctors and sanitation workers the same way.  I'll go to the ballet and a ballgame in the same day. I generally think everyone is interesting besides me. I like to sit in parks alone, people watch and guess what they do for a living. I'll watch a good subway performer for a half hour and be late to wherever I'm supposed to be going. I'm so scatterbrained that I write down what I have to do for the day every morning. I'm OCD and when outside my comfort zone I become very anxious. Within 30 seconds I usually know if someone's full of shit. I'm all about positive energy. I'm spiritual, not religious. I believe in karma, miracles and the afterlife.

Scott's Real Abnormality:
The route I took wasn't like Michael's. Sure on paper it may look like Michael's but if you read the fine print you'll see it's different. Everything I had in my life came the hard way. Sure, growing up I wanted for nothing. I never asked for anything, it was just given. Clothes, a car, CD's, it was given to me. But I was never there to enjoy it. I could never enjoy the moment. I always felt unfulfilled. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I had no self confidence and I usually felt alone and isolated even when I was surrounded by tons of people. I really didn't know who I was or who I was supposed to be. What was normal? Go to college. Move to the city. Get a good job. Meet a girl. Get married. Have a kid. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. Peripherally that's all of my friends lives and a big part of me envies that. All of my friends seem to have taken that path. About 3 years ago I realized this was not my path. Atleast not right now. So in my world this makes me abnormal. And I've learned to relish in my abnormality. I have somehow found a way to fully accept who I am. And I think my friends and people in general love and respect me for that. Characters make the world go round and I'm a fucking character. And I wouldn't want it any other way. So am I abnormal. Fuck yeah! Atleast I am in my world. And your world is your whole world...it's how you perceive it.

Every person has their own definition of normal. I believe we all define normal by a few things but there is one person who truly defines it. Think about who that person is for you. It's food for thought. Remember your definition of normal does not necessarily have to be someone just like you. They could be the complete opposite.  I say think different, create your own definition of normal. Whatever that may be. Once you do, nothing will seem that weird...

Normal. Abnormal...It don't matter. I'll still luv 'ya because Scott Don't Care...

A Jew On Christmas

Oh, to be a Jew on Christmas.  It's confusing.  All year long you blend in and for the most part are not looked at any differently.  But, on Christmas, Jews have the plague.  It's clear that the month of December is not for us.  I know, we have Hannukah.  Please!  Hannukah's the minor leagues next to the almighty Christmas.  Christmas rules the roost and everywhere you turn Jews are reminded that we're not Jewish.  We are like chickens with our heads cut off.  We can fly, we just don't know where to go.

It's lonely being a Jew on Christmas.  You feel left out.  We're annual outcasts and we just can't escape it.  Songs, commercials, trees, even Christmas clothing, we are constantly reminded that we don't belong.  It's ok though, we're used to persecution and oppression.  For the majority of our 5,000 year existence Jews have either been outcasts, slaughtered or enslaved.  Us Jews nowadays have it easy.  We control Hollywood and the media.  We might as well create a new Holiday.  Would nonjews know the difference?  Ask a nonjew what sukkot is.  They have no idea.  Ask me what sukkot is.  I have no idea.  It's clear we are not the chosen people on Christmas.  Or, were we just chosen not to celebrate?  I'm not sure.  I'll let you decide.

The Jewish Options on Christmas
1) Movies/Chinese Food
2) Video games
3) Card games
4) Board games
5) Drink heavily
6) Chain smoke weed
7) Watch the yule log for 24 hours
8) all of the above

Every good Jew goes to the movies and eats chinese food on Christmas.  It's The Jew thing to do.  The Jewish Christmas if you will.  Fortunately there are a lot of good movie choices this year.  Les Mis, Django, the Bin laden flick.  Jews will be seeing something and eating dumplings.
I don't know about you but I like being different.  Being a Jew on Christmas makes you different and most of the time, that makes all the difference.

To all my catholic friends....Merry Christmas!!!

To all my Jews...Baruch atah adonai, enjoy your sesame chicken!!!

Whether your Jewish, Catholic, Muslim I luv 'ya because Scott Don't Care....

The Evolution of My Friends: Single>Married

Ok, so I’m the last man standing.  As of now I am the only single one left and I feel great about it.  I don’t mind being single.

But, it kind of sucks that all my friends are either married, engaged or in serious relationships.  Thank God for jdate and okcupid, otherwise I’d have nothing to do.  If the right one comes along, great.  If not, whatever.  But this blog entry is not about me, it’s about my friends.  Things are changing.  My friends are changing.  They’re thinking differently and thinking long term.  “What are we doing tonight” has turned into “do you know how much diapers cost”.  There really is nothing wrong with that.  My friends are evolving, growing up and I’ll always love them no matter what.  But, it almost feels like some of them have taken on a different identity or have become their parents.  What’s weird is when we hang they’ll have moments of being who they once were.  Rare glimpses into their former selves.  This is neither a negative or a positive, it’s just a fact.  I love my friends for who they are, who they were, I just can’t believe the changes.  It happened so fast.  There is an evolution.  Your friends slowly turn into husbands and fathers and it usually takes place over the course of 5 years.  Below I will discuss the evolution of my friends in 5 stages:

The 5 Stages of Evolution of My Friends

11)Single

22) Serious Relationship

33) Engagement

44) Marriage

55) Fatherhood

Single- Fuck, it was a good time when we were all single.  Sex, drugs and Rock N’ Roll (well, mostly hip hop).  We were a crew.  We loved one another, looked out for each other and lived for the weekend.  My friends were carefree, less stressed and seemed to laugh a lot more.  The biggest stress in their life was their running back getting hurt on their fantasy football team.  We were young and stupid but we were too naïve to care.  My friends chased girls, took bong hits and tried to prevent responsibility at all costs.  The most fun I’ve ever had was between the ages of 23-27.  Our first love was for one another, everyone else took a backseat, even girls.

Serious Relationship- Here’s where things start to change.  All of a sudden your friends are checking in with someone.  You constantly have stories about their significant others and if their cell phone rings and you’re in the middle of the conversation, the conversation is over.  Then the drama ensues.  The fighting, the jealousy.  The breakup.  The makeup, and then it just seems to end.  Your friend gets to the point where the game of tug of war ends.  It’s almost like they throw in the towel and surrender.  You can’t beat the girl at “the game”.  Girls can live without sex, we can’t.  It’s unfair.  Your friends settle safely into their long term relationship and they seem to mellow out.  They change and if they get engaged they’ll never, ever be the same.

Engagement- Holy shit!  It’s really happening.  Only one thing matters at this point.  Do you get along with your friends fiance’.  If not, you will be seeing a lot less of your friends.  After your friend gets engaged, it becomes harder to get your friend alone away from his fiance’.  And when you do, it goes down!  Your friend tries to make up for lost time.  He hits the bottle and the bong hard.  I call it the engagement conjugal visit.  They make love to the drugs and alcohol they miss so much.  And I make love to the drugs and alcohol right along with ‘em.  Well, at least the alcohol. I no longer do drugs.  If I did, I’d tell ‘ya.

Marriage- Whoa!  It really happened.  Weddings are great.  Your friend gets married, you get real drunk with all your friends, try to bang a bridesmaid and then don’t see your friend for 3 months.  Post marriage, your friend goes into his marriage bunker.  The shock sets in and and he needs time to process these turn of events.  Then, your friend emerges like a groundhog on groundhog day.  He comes out a changed man.  He looks relaxed, secure and happy.  9 months later he looks confused and befuddled.  He realized that it all really happened.  If I ever get married I think I’ll be more shocked that I actually walked down the aisle and took part in the bullshit ceremony rather than being married.  I’m pro marriage, just anti wedding ceremony.  At the current time all my married friends seem happy and think they made the right choice.  My dad always says that marriage starts when you have kids.  That seems to be the truth.

Fatherhood- Holy Mary Mother of God!  My friends are fathers.  5 years ago they were vomiting in cabs, now their kids are vomiting on them.  I love being Uncle Scotty and when I look at my friends kids it’s like looking in a mirror.  They are basically mini me’s of my friends.  My friends have officially changed.  They’re fathers.  They are not first priority, their wives are not first priority, their kids are.  They are essentially living their lives for someone else.  I really respect that.  I hope to be a father one day.  It seems like a great time but I’m sure it’s a lot of work.  It’s become hard to see my friends who have kids.  Near impossible to get them alone in a bar.  But that’s fine.  It’s all worth it.  When I see their kids the evolution of my friends makes sense.  The prize they get at the end of their journey is their kids.  Hopefully they don’t suck.

We All change.  We all grow.  Everyday were learning and bettering ourselves.  Except yesterday.  Yesterday I set my life back a year.  I’ll save that story for my next blog entry.  If you’re single, in a serious relationship, engaged, married or a father hopefully you want to be in the situation you’re in.  There’s nothing worse then being in an uncomfortable situation.  Live, laugh, learn and get fucked up every once in awhile.  Take shots of Jameson and puke.  It’s humbling and keeps ‘ya young.

Single, married…I’ll still luv ‘ya because Scott Don’t care.