When my mom died last year, I was lost. I did not know my place in the world, my
place in life. I did not know myself. I did not know who I was anymore. What I liked and disliked. Who my friends were. What family members to trust. I had lost my instincts, my mind, and my
way. And then one day last November a
warm sensation ran down my back. I felt
like doing the super bowl shuffle. Everything
had changed but everything was the same.
I remember. It was the Monday before
Thanksgiving. It all made sense. Everything.
Who I was. Who I was meant to be. What I liked and disliked. Who my friends were. What family members I could trust. I was still me. But I was different. I wasn’t sure if others could see it. But I could feel it. I felt confident. Self assured.
Those who know me know that those are two traits I have never possessed
before. I am many things, but confident
and self assured I am not. I could look
at people in the eye. I walked with my
head held high. I spoke with
passion. I felt all of this
instantly. What I had found was myself.
They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven and this
is true. I’m not gonna go into great
detail here, but many reading this know that my journey has been a tumultuous one
filled with many ups and downs. As soon
as I felt like I had gotten somewhere, it was as if something was taken from me. I envied people. Not for the material things they had. I envied people who had balance and
normalcy. I just wanted to be
normal. The simple life seemed like a
good one. I had never known it. But I wanted it. But that day in November I realized that I
was not meant to be simple. It wasn’t in
the cards. And when I realized this, it
was the beginning of change. I accepted
who I was. You can’t be something you’re
not. You are who you are and I am who I am. To the daily passerby I look and seem like
everyone else. I’m kind, courteous,
decent looking and usually seem outwardly happy. I try hard to be unassuming and I think I
succeed. But, there’s always more than meets the eye.
My brain is always on. I’m
hyper sensitive and hyper aware. I see
and notice everything and pretend to see nothing at all. Not anymore.
That November day I stopped caring.
I gave myself a break for the first time since I was a child and it made
all the difference. I had tried so hard to be a people pleaser. I succeeded at being a great son, brother and
friend. But I usually left myself in the background. I felt undeserving. So undeserving that I felt I deserved no
attention. From anyone including myself. I constantly belittled myself and made myself
the brunt of every joke. I was a nervous
wreck. I put pressure on myself to say
the right thing all the time. I could
not relax. I’d smoke, I’d pace, I’d
fidget. It got to the point that the
only thing that made me sit still was either writing or messing around on the
computer. It got so bad that it was hard
for me to sit down and watch TV or go see a movie. Wherever I was, I thought I was meant to be
somewhere else. My mind was always on
the move. But on that November day it
was still. I was at peace. I didn’t feel euphoric or elated. I felt rested, sound and secure.
I was all alone and totally in the moment. I was supposed to be exactly where I was at
that very moment. All the pain and
anguish from the past dissipated. All
the pain I had watching my mom fall ill was gone. Her spirit was still with me but I felt
whole. And I just wanted to do it all over. But this time do it right. I wanted to do everything I
used to do. I wanted
to go back to High School, back to college, back to my old job and see all my
old friends. Everything looked
different. The world was in color. The
grass was greener. The sky was clearer. The clouds were huge. I felt like part of the world. A small world. And I was so excited to be a part of it. I couldn’t wait to see my friends and family. I was gonna be the same, but everything was
gonna be different. My whole perception
was different. I felt different. I even looked different. I remember I went into the bathroom and
looked in the mirror. I was me. Just different. I was proud of who I was. Proud of what I’ve been through. And I couldn’t wait to live the rest of my
life. I had been given a second
chance. And I gave it to myself because I realized it’s all in your mind. Who you are.
What you are. What you’re meant
to be. You are what you are. Not what your parents told you to become. You’re not your profession. You’re not your job. You’re not your relationship. You’re not the clothes on your back or the
shoes on your feet. You are what you
are. And you answer to yourself. And When
you’re laying in bed at night, only one person can stop the demons from
coming. Only one person shuts off the
light. And that person is you and only
you. That’s what I realized on that
November day. I had lost everything, but
instantly, I had it all. And everyday since
has been pretty great. Things are
falling into place and the mundane is interesting. I find everything fascinating now. I’m able to concentrate. I’m able to focus. I like who I am. I’ve always been a good person, but I never
gave myself the benefit of the doubt. I only
saw the worst in me. And now I only see
my best qualities. The others lay in the
background. I know who I am. What I’m meant to be. And my hopes and dreams will all come to fruition
real soon. But the journey getting there
has been awesome. And it continues…
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