Thanksgiving

I’ll admit it. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  You wake up hungover from the night before, throw on the parade, and see Snoopy flying down 7^th Avenue.  What a mindblower!  How do they blow snoopy up?  Snoopy is big.  It gives me joy to see kids get excited when Snoopy comes flying by.  Honestly, I enjoy it.  It’s pretty cool.

Every year I go to aunt’s for Thanksgiving.  My aunt lives in Westchester which means every year my family makes the trek from Long Island.  Traffic!  Not to mention, my sister gets car sick and ends up puking in a plastic bag.  This isn’t exactly ideal when a huge turkey is waiting for you.

The same 3 families are at my aunt’s every year.  The same 3 families for 25 years.  So, the first thing I do is say hello and make myself a stiff drink.  Then I hit up the cheese plate, chips and mango salsa.  The mango salsa is where it’s at.  Then I sit down for about 15 minutes and talk to everyone.  I don’t want to be rude and run instantly downstairs to focus on football.  I can wait 15 minutes, but not a second longer.  Conversation goes well and I make myself another stiff drink.  Then I make another plate of cheese and mango salsa and head downstairs to watch the games.

Football on Thanksgiving is fabulous.  You stuff your face, you drink and root against the cowboys.  It’s pretty awesome.  My dad roots against the cowboys right along with me which is an annual bonding moment.

After the first football game is over, it’s time to eat.  And my aunt does it right.  Obviously turkey, cranberry sauce, her famous stuffing, some delicious spinach thing, and last but not least, the sweet potatoes.  I eat 3 plates of sweet potatoes.  Marshmallows on top.  It’s nothing short of epic and I look forward to it all year.  My mouth is watering as I write this with just the thought of those of sweet potatoes.  It’s an oral orgasm.

After dinner, I unbuckle my belt and try hard to deflate.  I pour myself another drink and try to drink my uncomfort away.  It never works.  I watch the second half of the second football game along with the rest of the males.  Instead of taking inventory of each others lives like we did earlier in the day, we now just talk football.  I’m sure Sanchez and Tebow will come up this year and I have a lot to say about it.  But I’ll save that for Thanksgiving.

Dessert!  Holy shit, what to eat first.  I just eat it all.  I try everything.  Apple pie. Chocolate cake.  Chocolate mousse.  Tiramisu.  I even stay healthy and try the fruit.  I make my choice on what to focus on.  It’s usually the chocolate mousse.  I don’t get the opportunity to have chocolate mousse regularly.  There’s nothing like good mousse.

After dessert, it’s time to go.  I say goodbye to everyone.  I thank my aunt for a great meal and get back in the car to sit in traffic and watch my sister puke.  It’s another year, another Thanksgiving in the books, and I look forward to doing it all again next year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The Search For Yourself...

When my mom died last year, I was lost.  I did not know my place in the world, my place in life.  I did not know myself.  I did not know who I was anymore.  What I liked and disliked.  Who my friends were.  What family members to trust.  I had lost my instincts, my mind, and my way.  And then one day last November a warm sensation ran down my back.  I felt like doing the super bowl shuffle.  Everything had changed but everything was the same.  I remember.  It was the Monday before Thanksgiving.  It all made sense.  Everything.  Who I was.  Who I was meant to be.  What I liked and disliked.  Who my friends were.  What family members I could trust.  I was still me.  But I was different.  I wasn’t sure if others could see it.  But I could feel it.  I felt confident.  Self assured.  Those who know me know that those are two traits I have never possessed before.  I am many things, but confident and self assured I am not.  I could look at people in the eye.  I walked with my head held high.  I spoke with passion.  I felt all of this instantly.  What I had found was myself.

They say you have to go through hell to get to heaven and this is true.  I’m not gonna go into great detail here, but many reading this know that my journey has been a tumultuous one filled with many ups and downs.  As soon as I felt like I had gotten somewhere, it was as if something was taken from me.  I envied people.  Not for the material things they had.  I envied people who had balance and normalcy.  I just wanted to be normal.  The simple life seemed like a good one.  I had never known it.  But I wanted it.  But that day in November I realized that I was not meant to be simple.  It wasn’t in the cards.  And when I realized this, it was the beginning of change.  I accepted who I was.  You can’t be something you’re not.  You are who you are and I am who I am.  To the daily passerby I look and seem like everyone else.  I’m kind, courteous, decent looking and usually seem outwardly happy.  I try hard to be unassuming and I think I succeed.  But, there’s always more than meets the eye.

My brain is always on.  I’m hyper sensitive and hyper aware.  I see and notice everything and pretend to see nothing at all.  Not anymore.  That November day I stopped caring.  I gave myself a break for the first time since I was a child and it made all the difference. I had tried so hard to be a people pleaser.  I succeeded at being a great son, brother and friend.  But I usually left myself in the background.  I felt undeserving.  So undeserving that I felt I deserved no attention.  From anyone including myself.  I constantly belittled myself and made myself the brunt of every joke.  I was a nervous wreck.  I put pressure on myself to say the right thing all the time.  I could not relax.  I’d smoke, I’d pace, I’d fidget.  It got to the point that the only thing that made me sit still was either writing or messing around on the computer.  It got so bad that it was hard for me to sit down and watch TV or go see a movie.  Wherever I was, I thought I was meant to be somewhere else.  My mind was always on the move.  But on that November day it was still.  I was at peace.  I didn’t feel euphoric or elated.  I felt rested, sound and secure. 

I was all alone and totally in the moment.  I was supposed to be exactly where I was at that very moment.  All the pain and anguish from the past dissipated.  All the pain I had watching my mom fall ill was gone.  Her spirit was still with me but I felt whole.  And I just wanted to do it all over.  But this time do it right.  I wanted to do everything I used to do.  I wanted to go back to High School, back to college, back to my old job and see all my old friends.  Everything looked different. The world was in color.  The grass was greener.  The sky was clearer.  The clouds were huge.  I felt like part of the world.  A small world.  And I was so excited to be a part of it.  I couldn’t wait to see my friends and family.  I was gonna be the same, but everything was gonna be different.  My whole perception was different.  I felt different.  I even looked different.  I remember I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  I was me. Just different.  I was proud of who I was.  Proud of what I’ve been through.  And I couldn’t wait to live the rest of my life.  I had been given a second chance.  And I gave it to myself because I realized it’s all in your mind.  Who you are.  What you are.  What you’re meant to be.  You are what you are.  Not what your parents told you to become.  You’re not your profession.  You’re not your job.  You’re not your relationship.  You’re not the clothes on your back or the shoes on your feet.  You are what you are.  And you answer to yourself. And When you’re laying in bed at night, only one person can stop the demons from coming.  Only one person shuts off the light.  And that person is you and only you.  That’s what I realized on that November day.  I had lost everything, but instantly, I had it all.  And everyday since has been pretty great.  Things are falling into place and the mundane is interesting.  I find everything fascinating now.  I’m able to concentrate.  I’m able to focus.  I like who I am.  I’ve always been a good person, but I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt.  I only saw the worst in me.  And now I only see my best qualities.  The others lay in the background.  I know who I am.  What I’m meant to be.  And my hopes and dreams will all come to fruition real soon.  But the journey getting there has been awesome.  And it continues…